sometimes you're a surrogate. six months later.

Coming up next week will be Bunny's six month birthday. What?!

I can't even believe that it has been half a year already. Let me tell you, it's a strange feeling. There are days when I can't believe it's been six months already, but there are other days where it feels so far removed from my current day-to-day activities that it seems like it has been so much longer. 

I've thought about how I would write this half-year check up, and I've started it multiple times and then erased and restarted. Shockingly, I'm not often short on words, but writing about my surrogacy sometimes leaves me searching for just the right way to say things. There is so much to say, so much to talk about... it often feels too overwhelming to try to pinpoint the experience into words. It feels limiting to even try. But you all know that I'm always up for a good challenge. 

I've decided to to a series here on the blog, to chronicle the journey in retrospect. I did a fairly good job checking in about the pregnancy and delivery, but I thought I'd dig in a little bit and give a fuller picture about the depth of the journey. It only makes sense that I'll call the series Sometimes You're a Surrogate. So those entries will be coming soon, but for today I've got a broad rundown of the six month milestone. 

six months later I am feeling wonderful.

this applies to emotionally and physically.

my energy levels are better than ever and my post-partum complications are long resolved. 

emotionally I am wonderfully content.

my body is returning to its un-pregnant shape, more importantly though, I have an abundance of newly found appreciation for my body and its capabilities.

my relationship with Jack, Jill, and Bunny is so much more than I ever could have expected.
we text often, talk on the phone, and facetime here and there, and I so cherish all three.

life at home with the guys is great, and they love seeing pictures of Bunny and hearing Jack and Jill talk about their new baby.

lately I've had a few experiences when I get to talk about my surrogacy with people who didn't know about it, and it's just as fun as I thought it would be.

as it turns out, I'm enjoying not being pregnant more than I anticipated. don't get me wrong, it was fantastic while it lasted but it is so fun to have my body back to myself.

except I saw a teeeeny tiiiiiny baby at a restaurant when we were having dinner the other night and it kind of made my uterus ache.

but it wasn't anything so serious that a glass of wine couldn't cure it.

during my surrogate pregnancy I frequented an online surrogacy forum, afterwards I still kept up with it fairly often. as of lately though, I have noticed that I don't log on as often as I used to. while not a huge deal, it reminds me that the adventure now lies in the past and I'm continuing to move forward.

the beauty of the adventure permeates into my daily life still, and I think it always will. that being said, moving forward is the tune I'm marching to these days.

what do I mean by this? well, after an endeavor as life-changing as surrogacy, I was so deeply steeped into the journey that it flooded into my daily life, even when it really didn't anymore. that disconnect was odd and it felt funny in my life. as time has elapsed, that disconnect is fading quickly into this pride and joy that sit still in my heart. it no longer feels as though it's a big secret I carry in my pocket, but more like a highlighted poem written down in a journal.

this experience so special, and so much a part of who I am, but it's ok to let it separate from the surface of my days. it won't go anywhere.

this is largely what doing this series is about, for me, anyway. by bringing my experiences out to be written and read, it brings them out to a space where I recognize that I can let these memories peek out from my heart and soul, while disregarding the irrational fear that they'll sneak away forever.

until next time,
Carmen

365.

One year ago today, Jill and I sat anxiously in the IVF clinic waiting for our turn. The RE transferred two sweet little embryos and we all hoped and prayed with all our might.

Today on the phone, Jill told me that Bunny will sit up supported by pillows.

You guys, it's been the most incredible year. For them, but for me too. I'm so blessed to have been a part of something so wonderful... so magical and SO full of love. I spoke with both Jack and Jill today to celebrate our transfer-versary and I am completely overwhelmed with the love and appreciation we share for each other.

Today, as he often says on our calls, Jack said, "Thank you." ..... Those words simply don't capture what his voice is saying. They don't capture the pride he has for his baby. The words don't touch the love he holds in his heart for the life we all worked so hard to bring into this world. The words just aren't enough; they aren't full enough, or rich enough, they just aren't enough to convey what he actually means.

But that's ok, because of course I say, "You're welcome." This isn't really what I'm saying of course. What I'm actually saying is "I WOULDN'T CHANGE IT FOR THE WORLD!" I'm actually telling him that it was an honor to carry Bunny. It's so freaking profound that it changed me in ways that I never could have imagined. I'm actually saying that this adventure we had together touched my life in a way that words will never convey.

So we say things like "Thank you" and "You're welcome" even though each of us knows that those things aren't what we actually mean. We mean so much more.

Until next time,
Carmen

breaking my heart.

Sometimes being a parent can be absolutely heartbreaking.

We've created these tiny humans are who perfect, and tiny, and wonderful. I held them as they took their firsts breaths of life as tears ran down my face. I've held them at night, rocking silently away dreaming of how many possibilities are waiting for this little person. I've wiped their tears and calmed their fits. I've held their hands as they venture off to a list of firsts. First day of school, first day of swimming lessons, first day flying solo at daycare...

I get to hear about their days, and their lunches, and their friends.  I get to encourage them to try new things with only a reasonable amount of fear. I listen to their stories and help them with their letters and numbers. I've nurtured these little bodies and little souls with only what I can hope is the best of myself.

I have dreams for them. Dreams of happiness, and curiosity, and joy. Dreams that they'll only encounter struggles that will make them stronger, and wiser. Dreams that they'll grow up some day far in the distance and become genuine friends to the people in their lives, and be passionate men who crave the most out of life. Men who not only chase after their own dreams, but catch them as well.

But the truth is, life does not always look like this. Life can be hard, and unfair, and ridiculously hard some more. The truth is that everyone struggles to find a place in this big old world, and instead of feeling like an exciting adventure, it often feels like a mess of a road trip. The sting of life is real, and the silence of sorrow is deafening. And while I hope that my young men are as lucky as I, and only have fleeting moments of the ache of a life well lived, I must acknowledge that life can be messy and hard. And at the end of the day it simply breaks my heart that my perfect, tiny, child will ever have to know what that is like.

Until next time,
Carmen

FAQ

Sometimes when you're a surrogate everybody has a lot of questions for you. I'm going to try and answer some of the things I am hearing the most frequently here. I know I was always curious about the 'afterwards' part too.

FAQ 1: How are you feeling? 

Physically: Good. I'm not back to my normal self yet, but being that I delivered 11 days ago, I'd say that's ok. I'm down about 40 pounds, and am in that awkward stage where my maternity pants are too big and my normal pants are too small. I'll take it. I got SO puffy towards the end that my legs didn't even look like my own - it was almost bizarre. So lots of that weight is fluid (and the nearly ten pound baby!), but it's nice to be able to put on socks and shoes. I've still got about 20-25 pounds to get back down to where I was before I started meds, but I'm not rushing it.

Due to all the blood loss, it's taking a bit longer to get my energy back. - and I'm not even taking care of a newborn. (seriously, new moms who hemorrhage and then take their baby home - mad props to you ladies)  I get winded easily, and get tired fast. Yos and I enjoyed a shopping day out of town yesterday, and about two hours in I was done. As much as I wanted to keep going, I just couldn't. This is getting a lot better though. In those days after delivery I couldn't even shower without feeling like I was going to fall over, so shopping at all is a huge improvement. 

I'm a lot less sore. Just in general. The end of pregnancy is just a sore moment in time. Carrying all the extra weight is taxing on the body. Labor is hard work. Delivering the baby... Hard work. I'm no longer slowing down when I drive over a bump in the road, and I'm sitting a lot easier than I was a week ago. Huge improvement.

My appetite really plummeted in those days when I first got home, but it's picking back up. I'm pumping for Bunny so I need to keep my calorie intake on the higher side, and it's a still a struggle, but I'm working on it. 

Also, I'm sleeping through the night. Something that my bladder hasn't allowed in quite some time. It's pretty awesome. 

Emotionally: I feel really good. It's par for me to have a 'blah' day or two after having a baby, and sure enough that day came and went last week and I'm back to myself. Jack and Jill flew home yesterday with Bunny, and saying goodbye on Friday night was just as I expected. It was full of laughter, and tears, and joy, and a sting of "oh I'm going to miss them".. and I will. But I am SO overjoyed that after a month away from home, they are settling into their new normal with their new baby. 

I made a family. I made a woman a mom, a man a dad, and I physically grew a new life. I made dreams come true. While I'm not arrogant about it or anything, I recognize the impact I had on these lives and I feel pretty darn good about it. 

FAQ 2: Were Jack and Jill in the delivery room? Was it weird?

Yes they were, and no it wasn't. It was their baby being born. Of course I wanted them to be there. While in labor they were in and out, sometimes because I needed privacy (while in the shower, or if the nurse was doing an exam), but sometimes because they just stepped out on their own. But for the hour of pushing and delivery they were waiting patiently off to the side of the bed by the baby warmer. Don't get me wrong, I'm a modest woman, but this was their child. And honestly, at that point, I wasn't all that concerned about who was in the room. When Bunny was delivered Jill came to hold her baby while Jack cut the cord. It was in those moments that Jill's expression was.... so incredibly priceless. I can't imagine it going any other way. 

FAQ 3: So will you keep in touch with them?
Yes. Going into this experience I knew I wanted to match with a couple who wanted continued contact. I wanted to hear about how they were doing and how the baby was growing. Turns out Jack and Jill have become family and we'll carry on accordingly. I'm pretty blessed. 

FAQ 4: How are the boys doing with the whole thing?

All three are fairing well. The little boys are doing just fine. They enjoyed meeting the baby, but were not phased by the fact the Jack and Jill were the mom and dad. Yos is doing well too. For as relatively hands-off as he was in the beginning parts of this adventure, he really was such an important part of this. I can't say enough wonderful things about him... He really is something great. He had some snuggle time with Bunny and I'll bet that he squeezed Jack and Jill about as tight as I did when we parted ways. 

FAQ 5:  So seriously... You didn't want to keep the baby after delivery?

No, I seriously didn't. Being that I'd never delivered a baby for anyone else before, I thought about this moment a lot late in the pregnancy... How would it be? How would it feel to watch this little life I've come to know go right into somebody else's arms? I really just didn't know what to expect. 

It felt completely right. It only made sense. As I watched Jill hold her baby for the first time, it felt exactly right. I felt proud, and overjoyed for her, and I breathed a huge sigh of relief. Not only was my task delivering the baby completed, my task of growing the baby was completed too. Successfully at that. There's a gigantic responsibility us surrogates take on when we put somebody else's embryo into our uterus. The heaviness of that responsibility is real, and it's felt the entire duration of the pregnancy. As Jack and Jill held their new baby, it felt like a natural transfer of responsibility. I had done my part, and now it was their (long awaited) turn. 

I describe it this way - I was excited to meet the baby, but I didn't want the baby.

FAQ 6: So.. What now? 

This was something I was actually prepared to feel myself... But so far I have not. 

No, I will not do another surrogacy.

No, this surrogacy has not uncovered some deep hidden desire to have another baby of my own.

Honestly, I plan to have wine with dinner.
I plan on getting a tattoo. 

I plan on graduating from college next year.

I plan on enjoying a winter trip with my husband, and playing with my boys. 

I plan on doing a whole lot of stuff I had been planning on anyway. 

I guess the only thing I plan on doing that I hadn't before is donating blood (when I'm able). I was pretty ill there after delivery, and I greatly benefited from the donated blood I received. I'd like to be able to give back in that regard.

That's all for tonight. Until next time,
Carmen

mice.

I wish there was mice here.

I hate mice. I'm terrified of those little critters. It's a completely irrational fear, this I understand, but I would rather hang out with 100 spiders before crossing paths with a single mouse. 

I really hate mice. 

But I wish I could here them in my walls. Or see their disgusting little tails scurrying along the floor in my basement.

Then maybe I would actually want to leave this house. 

We have to move. Again. We just moved in here in December, and I love this house. I love it's charm. I love the size, and the yard, and the kitchen, and I love the big picture window, and I love the flower beds out front, and I love how it's cozy but not ridiculously small. 

We are renting this house from a woman who has evidently run into some serious financial trouble. The more I learn about her situation, the sadder I am for her. And for us too, because it means that we have to leave this house.

I really dislike moving. I dislike it even more when I don't yet know where I'm moving to. 

I really dislike uprooting my family from a home that we love, and had intended to make our own. 

Sigh.

I wish there was mice here.