and the time.. it goes.

and just like that, the time keeps going.

It's such a strange paradox, to experience time as a mother.

The days are long, laborious, and repetitive. My mornings are filled with finding socks and packing lunches. I fill the same coffee cup, drive the same thirty miles, and sit in the same classes. Drive back the same way.. Evenings are filled with writing numbers and letters. Gathering up hats and gloves in order to ride bikes quickly before I must start dinner. Again.

bath, books, bed. wash, rinse, repeat.

When the alarm goes off at 6:24, and the house is dark and quiet, it seems like it will be an eternity before I'm able to lay my head back down to breathe in the warm air of sleep.  But before I know it, the house is dark and quiet again.

wash, rinse, repeat.

I looked at Christian today and he looked six years old. He's been six since October, but today, I looked at him and he looked six. It made my heart ache a little bit. I think about how quickly these years have gone by. I think about another six years passing and my heart ache sharpens from a dull grief to a sharp panic.

I'm not ready. I need to prepare for what will happen. I need to prepare for how to be a mother to bigger boys, boys who are are ten, eleven, twelve... I need it to slow down, so I can savor every bit of magic that lingers in the length of these days. I need to remember that days are long but years are short and it's vital not to get swallowed up by the monotony.

Whether I'm ready or not, the time will move.

We'll ride bikes a tad longer tomorrow, the bath isn't going anywhere.

Until next time,
Carmen

a little funny.

that is all.

you're welcome. 

be back soon.

Carmen

as of late.

life lately.

I love spring break SO MUCH.

Don't get me wrong, school is fun too, but sometimes this mama just needs some time to cuddle her babies and catch up on laundry and napping. Fair?

The weather is (dare I say it...) almost kind of springy.

We've been at the park down from our house five times in the the last three days. It's been amazing to get outdoors.

I found this little gem over on pinterest, and I love it. I don't necessarily believe in callings, not in the traditional way at least. But I do know when things excite my soul I am drawn to those things, and that's what this says to me.

My soul has felt heavy as of late. Not in a terrible or worrying way, just in a way that reminds me that this life is full of ups and of not ups. I don't call it down because that's not correct - not for me. I am beautifully blessed, and I live a life that leaves me so incredibly grateful at the end of each day that my heart feels like it just might overflow with love.

Anyhow, my heavy soul has called for some extra relaxing. Plentiful outside time. I've traded my T25 routine for lots of yoga, meditation, and prayer, simply because it feels better at the time being. We have been engaging in lots of games of Memory, Uno, and Sorry. I'm listening to good music and letting it be ok so just slow down and really take time for myself while I prioritize my time in a way that will refresh my spirit.

I'm deliberately taking time to love myself, embracing a spirit of gratitude and grace, and intentionally reflecting some of that energy back to myself.

Namaste friends,
Carmen

if you need this today, I wrote it for you.

I was planning to write a post tonight about life lately around here. It was not going to be interesting, but it was going to be witty (obviously) and to the point. After that I was going to drink tea and watch reruns of Grey's.

Before settling in to carry out my master plan, I was perusing instagram. By golly I love instagram. I was just toodling about when I ran accross something that really made my heart sad. It was a thinspo page. Read: It was a page full of  photos of stick thin girls, mantras about being thin (not fit, not healthy, thin) not wanting to eat a single morsel too much, and so on and so forth. I read the profile of the owner of said page and my heart got even sadder. This profile listed a starting weight, current weight, and goal weight. 111, 101, and 94 pounds respectively.

This user had over eleven thousand followers.

At the end of the day, I'll never know the person behind that account, but I wanted to write them a letter. Just in case, you know, they read my blog religiously.

Dearest friend,

I don't know if anyone has told you lately, but you are quite lovely. Your smile lights up the room, and your laughter is contagious. One of my favorite things about you is how your eyes twinkle when you speak about something that ignites your soul, how your passion rises up into your voice and infects all of those who are listening.

Your witty charm has always impressed me and your movie trivia is impossible to beat. When you're sad, I find it endearing that you always find the same ratty sweater and watch Message in a Bottle, despite the fact that you could recite that film start to finish. You make the absolute best margarita this side of the Rio Grande. I admire your grit, and determination, and hard-working disposition.

Friend, these are the things that make you beautiful. I know it's cliche, but beauty truly does originate on the inside. It forms in the depths of you soul and radiates through you. It's this beauty that draws people to you and builds a life of depth and meaning. You are a marvelous character, and the beauty that you have is irrelevant to the number that you read on the scale each morning, noon, and night.

You are beautiful. Right now today. And tomorrow, and yesterday, and even during that super awkward stage in eighth grade. It is who you are, down to the very core of your being.

I hope you are well, friend. I hope that you don't let anyone or anything, even the scale, tell you what your worth. Because honestly, you are priceless. If you need help, please call 1-800-931-2237 to get things back on track. You are worth it. 

With warm hugs

Sincerely,
Carmen

this sounds like a psa I know, but honestly, if you or someone you know struggles with an eating disorder call the number above to reach the national eating disorders association hotline. they are also online (because who isn't?) at http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org