It's Mother's Day today. It was a lovely day, despite the rainy cold weather. I checked my email after tucking the boys snugly in bed, and I found this in my inbox from Jill:
Carmen,
Something I wanted to share with you...
"The moment a child is born the mother is also born
she never existed before
the woman existed but the mother, never
a mother is something absolutely new..."
-Rajneesh
Thank you Carmen...forever, thank you.
Sometimes you're a surrogate. And sometimes your eyes well up when you realize, again and again, how surrogacy has given you just as much as it has given them.
Happy Mother's Day,
Carmen
Showing posts with label Sometimes You're a Surrogate. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sometimes You're a Surrogate. Show all posts
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Thursday, May 1, 2014
sometimes you're a surrogate : what people say part 1
When you're pregnant, there are lots of people who want to talk to you about being pregnant. When you're pregnant with a baby that isn't yours ALL the people want to talk to you about being pregnant. I figured I'd talk about some of the wonderful and wonderfully interesting things I've heard when talking to people about being a surrogate.
The number one thing people say, or have said, is "Won't that be hard to give up/part with/say goodbye to/hand over/go home without the baby?
My simple standard response was something along the lines of, "Not in the way you'd think. The goal of this whole process was to put a baby in the arms of this couple who I care so much about, and I think that will be incredibly exciting."
I do not, and have never, wanted to keep baby Bunny. My pregnancy felt very different, because I did not bond with the baby in my belly like I did with my boys. Before Bunny flew home I loved snuggling, smooching, and cuddling with the squishy little babe, but I loved it even more to watch the new parents swoon over their new addition.
The more complicated answer is, of course it's hard. But still not in the way you'd think. It's hard because I just did the most fantastic thing ever, and now it's over. It's hard because I've grown to know and absolutely love this family, and as it turns out, they live on the other side of the country. It's hard because we all share this amazing, unique bond, we've been through a magnificently long, exciting, intensely emotional process together and when it was over we gave hugs and they boarded a plane home.
Competing for the next most common statements would be, "I could never do that!" and "I've always wanted to do that!"
To the friends in the former camp I would usually try to emphasize the scope of the process. Folks tend to oversimplify gestational surrogacy in their heads, but this is simply because they don't know how extensive the matching/legal/psych and medical screening/cycle prep can be. So I elude to how "It's quite a lengthy process to get going, but once the serious busywork is out of the way it's so rewarding."
Often I'm tempted to say, "It's not like I just decided I wanted to be a surrogate and then went and did it." Except, that's exactly what happened. But I want to be sure to talk about the fullness of what the adventure entails, just in case they are serious about investigating a surro journey and honestly want to know more.
To those who say, "Oh, I could never do that!" I usually agree with them with "You know, you're probably right." I'm not attempting to sound pretentious, I swear! I always follow it with a dialogue about how each individual knows themself best and if they don't think they'd would enjoy a surrogacy, that's a-OK. The extensive, emotional, and complex process isn't for everyone, and there is nothing wrong with that.
If you hate pregnancy, you probably won't want to be a surrogate. If you honestly think you
would have a difficult time emotionally, surrogacy probably isn't for you. Admitting that surrogacy isn't a good fit for you is a million times braver than ignoring these things only to realize you were right and really shouldn't have proceeded with a surrogate pregnancy afterall.
I'll leave you with a short and simple question that I've gotten three times only. And thank goodness. "So did you have to have sex with someone else?"
On that note, see you all soon!
Carmen
The number one thing people say, or have said, is "Won't that be hard to give up/part with/say goodbye to/hand over/go home without the baby?
My simple standard response was something along the lines of, "Not in the way you'd think. The goal of this whole process was to put a baby in the arms of this couple who I care so much about, and I think that will be incredibly exciting."
I do not, and have never, wanted to keep baby Bunny. My pregnancy felt very different, because I did not bond with the baby in my belly like I did with my boys. Before Bunny flew home I loved snuggling, smooching, and cuddling with the squishy little babe, but I loved it even more to watch the new parents swoon over their new addition.
The more complicated answer is, of course it's hard. But still not in the way you'd think. It's hard because I just did the most fantastic thing ever, and now it's over. It's hard because I've grown to know and absolutely love this family, and as it turns out, they live on the other side of the country. It's hard because we all share this amazing, unique bond, we've been through a magnificently long, exciting, intensely emotional process together and when it was over we gave hugs and they boarded a plane home.
The best way I can think to describe the hard part, isn't hard at all, I'd say emotional. It's the single most emotional process I've ever been a part of. I feel like that word is packed, for me it is anyway, but when I use it here I'm doing so to convey that exact thing. Surrogacy is so packed with emotion, but in the absolute best way I could have imagined.
Competing for the next most common statements would be, "I could never do that!" and "I've always wanted to do that!"
To the friends in the former camp I would usually try to emphasize the scope of the process. Folks tend to oversimplify gestational surrogacy in their heads, but this is simply because they don't know how extensive the matching/legal/psych and medical screening/cycle prep can be. So I elude to how "It's quite a lengthy process to get going, but once the serious busywork is out of the way it's so rewarding."
Often I'm tempted to say, "It's not like I just decided I wanted to be a surrogate and then went and did it." Except, that's exactly what happened. But I want to be sure to talk about the fullness of what the adventure entails, just in case they are serious about investigating a surro journey and honestly want to know more.
To those who say, "Oh, I could never do that!" I usually agree with them with "You know, you're probably right." I'm not attempting to sound pretentious, I swear! I always follow it with a dialogue about how each individual knows themself best and if they don't think they'd would enjoy a surrogacy, that's a-OK. The extensive, emotional, and complex process isn't for everyone, and there is nothing wrong with that.
If you hate pregnancy, you probably won't want to be a surrogate. If you honestly think you
would have a difficult time emotionally, surrogacy probably isn't for you. Admitting that surrogacy isn't a good fit for you is a million times braver than ignoring these things only to realize you were right and really shouldn't have proceeded with a surrogate pregnancy afterall.
I'll leave you with a short and simple question that I've gotten three times only. And thank goodness. "So did you have to have sex with someone else?"
Now, I try not to get upset when I've been asked this because obviously these people really don't have
the slightest clue about surrogacy, or they have been terribly misinformed previously. Surrogacy never, ever, involves sex. If someone tells you differently, they are wrong. People operating under this misconception are most often referring to a planned adoption, which is not, in any way whatsoever, the same thing.
On that note, see you all soon!
Carmen
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
sometimes you're a surrogate. six months later.
Coming up next week will be Bunny's six month birthday. What?!
as it turns out, I'm enjoying not being pregnant more than I anticipated. don't get me wrong, it was fantastic while it lasted but it is so fun to have my body back to myself.
except I saw a teeeeny tiiiiiny baby at a restaurant when we were having dinner the other night and it kind of made my uterus ache.
but it wasn't anything so serious that a glass of wine couldn't cure it.
during my surrogate pregnancy I frequented an online surrogacy forum, afterwards I still kept up with it fairly often. as of lately though, I have noticed that I don't log on as often as I used to. while not a huge deal, it reminds me that the adventure now lies in the past and I'm continuing to move forward.
the beauty of the adventure permeates into my daily life still, and I think it always will. that being said, moving forward is the tune I'm marching to these days.
what do I mean by this? well, after an endeavor as life-changing as surrogacy, I was so deeply steeped into the journey that it flooded into my daily life, even when it really didn't anymore. that disconnect was odd and it felt funny in my life. as time has elapsed, that disconnect is fading quickly into this pride and joy that sit still in my heart. it no longer feels as though it's a big secret I carry in my pocket, but more like a highlighted poem written down in a journal.
this experience so special, and so much a part of who I am, but it's ok to let it separate from the surface of my days. it won't go anywhere.
this is largely what doing this series is about, for me, anyway. by bringing my experiences out to be written and read, it brings them out to a space where I recognize that I can let these memories peek out from my heart and soul, while disregarding the irrational fear that they'll sneak away forever.
until next time,
Carmen
I can't even believe that it has been half a year already. Let me tell you, it's a strange feeling. There are days when I can't believe it's been six months already, but there are other days where it feels so far removed from my current day-to-day activities that it seems like it has been so much longer.
I've thought about how I would write this half-year check up, and I've started it multiple times and then erased and restarted. Shockingly, I'm not often short on words, but writing about my surrogacy sometimes leaves me searching for just the right way to say things. There is so much to say, so much to talk about... it often feels too overwhelming to try to pinpoint the experience into words. It feels limiting to even try. But you all know that I'm always up for a good challenge.
I've decided to to a series here on the blog, to chronicle the journey in retrospect. I did a fairly good job checking in about the pregnancy and delivery, but I thought I'd dig in a little bit and give a fuller picture about the depth of the journey. It only makes sense that I'll call the series Sometimes You're a Surrogate. So those entries will be coming soon, but for today I've got a broad rundown of the six month milestone.
six months later I am feeling wonderful.
this applies to emotionally and physically.
my energy levels are better than ever and my post-partum complications are long resolved.
emotionally I am wonderfully content.
my body is returning to its un-pregnant shape, more importantly though, I have an abundance of newly found appreciation for my body and its capabilities.
my relationship with Jack, Jill, and Bunny is so much more than I ever could have expected.
we text often, talk on the phone, and facetime here and there, and I so cherish all three.
life at home with the guys is great, and they love seeing pictures of Bunny and hearing Jack and Jill talk about their new baby.
lately I've had a few experiences when I get to talk about my surrogacy with people who didn't know about it, and it's just as fun as I thought it would be.
my relationship with Jack, Jill, and Bunny is so much more than I ever could have expected.
we text often, talk on the phone, and facetime here and there, and I so cherish all three.
life at home with the guys is great, and they love seeing pictures of Bunny and hearing Jack and Jill talk about their new baby.
lately I've had a few experiences when I get to talk about my surrogacy with people who didn't know about it, and it's just as fun as I thought it would be.
as it turns out, I'm enjoying not being pregnant more than I anticipated. don't get me wrong, it was fantastic while it lasted but it is so fun to have my body back to myself.
except I saw a teeeeny tiiiiiny baby at a restaurant when we were having dinner the other night and it kind of made my uterus ache.
but it wasn't anything so serious that a glass of wine couldn't cure it.
during my surrogate pregnancy I frequented an online surrogacy forum, afterwards I still kept up with it fairly often. as of lately though, I have noticed that I don't log on as often as I used to. while not a huge deal, it reminds me that the adventure now lies in the past and I'm continuing to move forward.
the beauty of the adventure permeates into my daily life still, and I think it always will. that being said, moving forward is the tune I'm marching to these days.
what do I mean by this? well, after an endeavor as life-changing as surrogacy, I was so deeply steeped into the journey that it flooded into my daily life, even when it really didn't anymore. that disconnect was odd and it felt funny in my life. as time has elapsed, that disconnect is fading quickly into this pride and joy that sit still in my heart. it no longer feels as though it's a big secret I carry in my pocket, but more like a highlighted poem written down in a journal.
this experience so special, and so much a part of who I am, but it's ok to let it separate from the surface of my days. it won't go anywhere.
this is largely what doing this series is about, for me, anyway. by bringing my experiences out to be written and read, it brings them out to a space where I recognize that I can let these memories peek out from my heart and soul, while disregarding the irrational fear that they'll sneak away forever.
until next time,
Carmen
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
365.
One year ago today, Jill and I sat anxiously in the IVF clinic waiting for our turn. The RE transferred two sweet little embryos and we all hoped and prayed with all our might.
Today on the phone, Jill told me that Bunny will sit up supported by pillows.
You guys, it's been the most incredible year. For them, but for me too. I'm so blessed to have been a part of something so wonderful... so magical and SO full of love. I spoke with both Jack and Jill today to celebrate our transfer-versary and I am completely overwhelmed with the love and appreciation we share for each other.
Today, as he often says on our calls, Jack said, "Thank you." ..... Those words simply don't capture what his voice is saying. They don't capture the pride he has for his baby. The words don't touch the love he holds in his heart for the life we all worked so hard to bring into this world. The words just aren't enough; they aren't full enough, or rich enough, they just aren't enough to convey what he actually means.
But that's ok, because of course I say, "You're welcome." This isn't really what I'm saying of course. What I'm actually saying is "I WOULDN'T CHANGE IT FOR THE WORLD!" I'm actually telling him that it was an honor to carry Bunny. It's so freaking profound that it changed me in ways that I never could have imagined. I'm actually saying that this adventure we had together touched my life in a way that words will never convey.
So we say things like "Thank you" and "You're welcome" even though each of us knows that those things aren't what we actually mean. We mean so much more.
Until next time,
Carmen
Today on the phone, Jill told me that Bunny will sit up supported by pillows.
You guys, it's been the most incredible year. For them, but for me too. I'm so blessed to have been a part of something so wonderful... so magical and SO full of love. I spoke with both Jack and Jill today to celebrate our transfer-versary and I am completely overwhelmed with the love and appreciation we share for each other.
Today, as he often says on our calls, Jack said, "Thank you." ..... Those words simply don't capture what his voice is saying. They don't capture the pride he has for his baby. The words don't touch the love he holds in his heart for the life we all worked so hard to bring into this world. The words just aren't enough; they aren't full enough, or rich enough, they just aren't enough to convey what he actually means.
But that's ok, because of course I say, "You're welcome." This isn't really what I'm saying of course. What I'm actually saying is "I WOULDN'T CHANGE IT FOR THE WORLD!" I'm actually telling him that it was an honor to carry Bunny. It's so freaking profound that it changed me in ways that I never could have imagined. I'm actually saying that this adventure we had together touched my life in a way that words will never convey.
So we say things like "Thank you" and "You're welcome" even though each of us knows that those things aren't what we actually mean. We mean so much more.
Until next time,
Carmen
Friday, January 17, 2014
a big deal in my pocket.
Sometimes when you're a surrogate, you have the baby and go back to your regular life and everyone forgets that you were a surrogate.
So, my semester started this week and I'm in classes with absolutely nobody that I know. This is fine, I'm only kind of socially awkward and for the most part it's not a big deal. I was just thinking today as I was sitting in a classroom full of strangers that not a single one of them knows I was just pregnant a few months back. Not one of them knows that I made a whole new family!
Well, of course they don't.
But it's really something, and it's really weird. I just spent over a year of my life attempting to get pregnant and then growing Bunny for Jack and Jill. Then I went through twelve hours of natural labor to bring this little baby into the world and watch as these people I came to love become parents. It's pretty profound, friends. After Bunny was born and I went back to school clearly not pregnant, people asked about it. How did it go? When was Bunny born? What was it like? How are you doing? Which was slightly annoying, but it was really fantastic to tell people how awesome it was.
Now, I'm in classes with strangers and nobody knows. It's been a few months and even the people I do know mostly don't ask about it anymore. I mean, why would they really? It's just so odd to have just been through one of the most profound experiences of ever and now I go about my day and nobody else has any idea about how awesome it was. I think this is a surro thing.
I want to shout it from the rooftops that I did this awesome thing, and I seriously couldn't be more proud of myself, or more ecstatic for this new family I had a part in creating. I want to tell the cashier at Walmart (who saw me many times when pregnant and now sees me not pregnant with no baby in my cart) that I was a surrogate and it was fantastic. I want to tell my hot yoga instructor my tummy is jiggly and my form is (really) rusty because I just had a baby for the most amazing family and they are all doing well. I want to tell the new girl at work that I just got back from some time off because I just delivered a baby as a surrogate. But I don't, because it's not relevant to them, only to me.
While that statement could seem all 'woe is me', I see it as completely the opposite. I see my surrogacy adventure as an incredible highlight in my story. And no matter how much time goes by it's always going to be part of my story. How awesome is that?!
I can just see it now; one day I'll be engaged in a conversation with a classmate about the east coast or how awesome science is and it'll come up that I was a surrogate, then I'll get to talk about how amazing and life changing the whole thing was, and then I'll take that part of my story and tuck it back away and save it for the next time it comes up. It's always going to be a huge deal in my story, a huge deal that I get to carry with me forever. Like a love note tucked away in a pocket, this chapter of my story is kept safely in my heart. It's not worn on my sleeve, but that doesn't mean it's far away. It's just this big huge deal, tucked away in my pocket.
Until next time,
Carmen
So, my semester started this week and I'm in classes with absolutely nobody that I know. This is fine, I'm only kind of socially awkward and for the most part it's not a big deal. I was just thinking today as I was sitting in a classroom full of strangers that not a single one of them knows I was just pregnant a few months back. Not one of them knows that I made a whole new family!
Well, of course they don't.
But it's really something, and it's really weird. I just spent over a year of my life attempting to get pregnant and then growing Bunny for Jack and Jill. Then I went through twelve hours of natural labor to bring this little baby into the world and watch as these people I came to love become parents. It's pretty profound, friends. After Bunny was born and I went back to school clearly not pregnant, people asked about it. How did it go? When was Bunny born? What was it like? How are you doing? Which was slightly annoying, but it was really fantastic to tell people how awesome it was.
Now, I'm in classes with strangers and nobody knows. It's been a few months and even the people I do know mostly don't ask about it anymore. I mean, why would they really? It's just so odd to have just been through one of the most profound experiences of ever and now I go about my day and nobody else has any idea about how awesome it was. I think this is a surro thing.
I want to shout it from the rooftops that I did this awesome thing, and I seriously couldn't be more proud of myself, or more ecstatic for this new family I had a part in creating. I want to tell the cashier at Walmart (who saw me many times when pregnant and now sees me not pregnant with no baby in my cart) that I was a surrogate and it was fantastic. I want to tell my hot yoga instructor my tummy is jiggly and my form is (really) rusty because I just had a baby for the most amazing family and they are all doing well. I want to tell the new girl at work that I just got back from some time off because I just delivered a baby as a surrogate. But I don't, because it's not relevant to them, only to me.
While that statement could seem all 'woe is me', I see it as completely the opposite. I see my surrogacy adventure as an incredible highlight in my story. And no matter how much time goes by it's always going to be part of my story. How awesome is that?!
I can just see it now; one day I'll be engaged in a conversation with a classmate about the east coast or how awesome science is and it'll come up that I was a surrogate, then I'll get to talk about how amazing and life changing the whole thing was, and then I'll take that part of my story and tuck it back away and save it for the next time it comes up. It's always going to be a huge deal in my story, a huge deal that I get to carry with me forever. Like a love note tucked away in a pocket, this chapter of my story is kept safely in my heart. It's not worn on my sleeve, but that doesn't mean it's far away. It's just this big huge deal, tucked away in my pocket.
Until next time,
Carmen
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
final appointment.
I had my six-week postpartum check up today. All went well. When I went to leave I asked my doctor when to come back and she said, "Not for a year!". And then we both stood there for a second almost in disbelief. I've been hanging out at the doctor's office at least a couple times a month for the past 16 months or so and it was so odd to think that I didn't have to come back until next December.
We shared a great big hug and I thanked her for taking such great care of me, and she thanked me for letting her be a part of something so much bigger than she'd seen before.
It was quite something today to walk out of the office with no two-week follow up appointment.
I truly found a fantastic physician when embarking on this adventure. I knew I needed to find someone who was completely supportive of the surrogacy, but more importantly, completely supportive of me and my well-being. And I did just that. I found a doctor who went out of her way to work with a clinic across the country in preparation for the IVF. She not only took care of me and Bunny, but she took care of Jack and Jill too. She had like four patients in one, and she was a complete rockstar the whole way.
She eased my anxieties (and Jill's too!) about anything pregnancy/baby/labor/delivery/hemorrhage related. She talked to me like a person, not a patient. She's funny, and personable, and just the right amount of sarcastic - when the time called for that. She's also brilliant, and professional, and just the right amount of firm - when the time called for that. She was everything I had hoped for in an OB and even more.
I am lucky to have had such a fantastic medical experience along with my fantastic surrogacy experience. I mean to have amazing intended parents AND an amazing doctor? Please!
It felt a lot like closing the chapter today - my final appointment. I walked out with a tear and a smile. What a wonderful adventure this has been.
Until next time,
Carmen
Sunday, November 24, 2013
FAQ 2
I'm back to answer some more surro questions! Folks love asking questions and I don't mind a bit. This post is all about delivery specifics, so if your not interested, come back soon :)
FAQ 1: You went drug-less during labor? How was it?
Yes I did, and it was hard. Why would I want to do this? Well, honestly because I wanted to feel like a rockstar. And I do.
I had epidurals with both Christian and Nolan. I'd done a ton of reading about natural labor and I wanted to give it my best shot. This is a HUGE reason I wanted to avoid the induction. I knew that if I wanted any chance at delivering without drugs, pitocin could not be involved in the process. I've never once heard a good thing about a pitocin contraction. As if the natural ones weren't bad enough.
From the time the lab confirmed the presence of amniotic fluid (roughly 3pm) to the time babe was born (shortly after 3am) was about 12 hours. We arrived at 'YeahShitJustGotReal' at about 8pm. We didn't reach 'OkSeriouslyI'mDoneHere' until about midnight. So really it was only about five or six hours of really rough stuff.
Would I recommend it to my friends? ...........Yes. I think.
Keep in mind this all happened less than four weeks ago, so that forgetting that happens - it hasn't happened to me yet. Also, keep in mind I felt really awful afterwards. The hemorrhage I had really made those hours after Bunny was born unpleasant. This has zero to do with the fact that I rocked a drug free birth, but it does taint my whole delivery story. If I would have felt great right away (like they say you will after a natural birth), I think I would be a bunch more excited about it. However, it's hard to separate the two events (birth, and hemorrhage).
FAQ 2: Any advice for going drug free?
Get a doula. Seriously. As excited I was to bring a doula onto the team, I was apprehensive about it too. I was worried about adding another body to the room and I was worried that I'd just be annoyed with someone trying be on top of my labor experience. Yosi really shared this concern. He is wonderful labor support, and I think he was concerned that he wouldn't have a role anymore, or that she was going to step on his toes. We couldn't have been more wrong.
She helped and encouraged me to change positions, and she showed Yosi how to rub my back the right way.
She helped me into the shower (and in the shower, and out of the shower..).
I was really concerned about Jack and Jill during labor. They weren't always in the room, and sometimes they were, but either way I wanted them to feel comfortable and not worried. She was awesome at this too. She reassured me that they were ok, and I'm thinking she probably did quite a bit of reassuring them too.
She held my hand when Yos had to eat something, or pee, or breath for a second.
When I felt hot, she tracked down a fan. And I didn't even SAY that I was hot. She just knew.
When I felt like I was going to throw up during every contraction for those last couple of hours she would bring out this magical bottle of peppermint essential oil and swing it in front of my nose and that puke-y feeling would disappear. She also had a magical bottle of lavender oil that she brought out when I started to getpanicky anxious during transition and pushing. Magic I tell you.
She was so fantastic, I simply cannot say enough wonderful things about her. I just can't. I am SO glad that Jill brought the idea of a doula into the picture and I'm SO glad we found Evie.
FAQ 3: Ok, so what happened afterwards? Hemorrage means what and what did those hours after the birth actually entail?
It's normal to bleed a bit after delivery. After the placenta detaches, it leaves a gaping wound. Some blood is totally normal, usually the uterus will contract a bit to squeeze the vessels in the wound which limits the blood loss. My uterus didn't do that as quickly or as efficiently as it should have, which in turn caused me to lose more blood than I should have.
Bunny was born at 3:10 and the placenta didn't wasn't delivered for at least another half hour. In that time Doc started a liter of pitocin to help my uterus contract.
After the placenta finally appeared, a lot of blood did too. So she started another liter.
Between 4:15 and 4:30, this wasn't helping enough so she tried some cytotec.
It looked like that was helping enough so they let me eat and rest a bit. It was about this time that I thought about showering but as soon as the nurses helped me to sit up, I nearly fainted. My ears started ringing, the room was spinning, I almost threw up, and I got really hot. No shower happening.
After another couple of hours there was still too much bleeding happening so they did a shot of methergen and started talking about a D&C and transfusion. Scary stuff. Luckily that shot of methergen helped my uterus enough to avoid the D&C, but I had already lost well over a liter of blood and wasn't able to avoid the transfusion.
The nurses wheeled me to a new room about 9 and started the blood transfusion then. I also had pain meds, nausea meds, and a benadryl at this time and so I slept like a rock for a few hours.
Things continued to improve and I went home at 11 the next morning. I'm still more sluggish than before, however, I'm feeling so much better. I have never felt so sick as I did that morning. Luckily, surgery wasn't needed, and most importantly Bunny and I are both fine.
Why did it happen? The Doc thinks it was because the baby was so big and my uterus was really distended in order to accommodate the extra size. The bigger the uterus gets the more work it has to do, and mine was just feeling lazy after delivery.
Enough for tonight. Until next time,
Carmen
FAQ 1: You went drug-less during labor? How was it?
Yes I did, and it was hard. Why would I want to do this? Well, honestly because I wanted to feel like a rockstar. And I do.
I had epidurals with both Christian and Nolan. I'd done a ton of reading about natural labor and I wanted to give it my best shot. This is a HUGE reason I wanted to avoid the induction. I knew that if I wanted any chance at delivering without drugs, pitocin could not be involved in the process. I've never once heard a good thing about a pitocin contraction. As if the natural ones weren't bad enough.
From the time the lab confirmed the presence of amniotic fluid (roughly 3pm) to the time babe was born (shortly after 3am) was about 12 hours. We arrived at 'YeahShitJustGotReal' at about 8pm. We didn't reach 'OkSeriouslyI'mDoneHere' until about midnight. So really it was only about five or six hours of really rough stuff.
Would I recommend it to my friends? ...........Yes. I think.
Keep in mind this all happened less than four weeks ago, so that forgetting that happens - it hasn't happened to me yet. Also, keep in mind I felt really awful afterwards. The hemorrhage I had really made those hours after Bunny was born unpleasant. This has zero to do with the fact that I rocked a drug free birth, but it does taint my whole delivery story. If I would have felt great right away (like they say you will after a natural birth), I think I would be a bunch more excited about it. However, it's hard to separate the two events (birth, and hemorrhage).
FAQ 2: Any advice for going drug free?
Get a doula. Seriously. As excited I was to bring a doula onto the team, I was apprehensive about it too. I was worried about adding another body to the room and I was worried that I'd just be annoyed with someone trying be on top of my labor experience. Yosi really shared this concern. He is wonderful labor support, and I think he was concerned that he wouldn't have a role anymore, or that she was going to step on his toes. We couldn't have been more wrong.
She helped and encouraged me to change positions, and she showed Yosi how to rub my back the right way.
She helped me into the shower (and in the shower, and out of the shower..).
I was really concerned about Jack and Jill during labor. They weren't always in the room, and sometimes they were, but either way I wanted them to feel comfortable and not worried. She was awesome at this too. She reassured me that they were ok, and I'm thinking she probably did quite a bit of reassuring them too.
She held my hand when Yos had to eat something, or pee, or breath for a second.
When I felt hot, she tracked down a fan. And I didn't even SAY that I was hot. She just knew.
When I felt like I was going to throw up during every contraction for those last couple of hours she would bring out this magical bottle of peppermint essential oil and swing it in front of my nose and that puke-y feeling would disappear. She also had a magical bottle of lavender oil that she brought out when I started to get
She was so fantastic, I simply cannot say enough wonderful things about her. I just can't. I am SO glad that Jill brought the idea of a doula into the picture and I'm SO glad we found Evie.
FAQ 3: Ok, so what happened afterwards? Hemorrage means what and what did those hours after the birth actually entail?
It's normal to bleed a bit after delivery. After the placenta detaches, it leaves a gaping wound. Some blood is totally normal, usually the uterus will contract a bit to squeeze the vessels in the wound which limits the blood loss. My uterus didn't do that as quickly or as efficiently as it should have, which in turn caused me to lose more blood than I should have.
Bunny was born at 3:10 and the placenta didn't wasn't delivered for at least another half hour. In that time Doc started a liter of pitocin to help my uterus contract.
After the placenta finally appeared, a lot of blood did too. So she started another liter.
Between 4:15 and 4:30, this wasn't helping enough so she tried some cytotec.
It looked like that was helping enough so they let me eat and rest a bit. It was about this time that I thought about showering but as soon as the nurses helped me to sit up, I nearly fainted. My ears started ringing, the room was spinning, I almost threw up, and I got really hot. No shower happening.
After another couple of hours there was still too much bleeding happening so they did a shot of methergen and started talking about a D&C and transfusion. Scary stuff. Luckily that shot of methergen helped my uterus enough to avoid the D&C, but I had already lost well over a liter of blood and wasn't able to avoid the transfusion.
The nurses wheeled me to a new room about 9 and started the blood transfusion then. I also had pain meds, nausea meds, and a benadryl at this time and so I slept like a rock for a few hours.
Things continued to improve and I went home at 11 the next morning. I'm still more sluggish than before, however, I'm feeling so much better. I have never felt so sick as I did that morning. Luckily, surgery wasn't needed, and most importantly Bunny and I are both fine.
Why did it happen? The Doc thinks it was because the baby was so big and my uterus was really distended in order to accommodate the extra size. The bigger the uterus gets the more work it has to do, and mine was just feeling lazy after delivery.
Enough for tonight. Until next time,
Carmen
Sunday, November 10, 2013
FAQ
Sometimes when you're a surrogate everybody has a lot of questions for you. I'm going to try and answer some of the things I am hearing the most frequently here. I know I was always curious about the 'afterwards' part too.
FAQ 1: How are you feeling?
Physically: Good. I'm not back to my normal self yet, but being that I delivered 11 days ago, I'd say that's ok. I'm down about 40 pounds, and am in that awkward stage where my maternity pants are too big and my normal pants are too small. I'll take it. I got SO puffy towards the end that my legs didn't even look like my own - it was almost bizarre. So lots of that weight is fluid (and the nearly ten pound baby!), but it's nice to be able to put on socks and shoes. I've still got about 20-25 pounds to get back down to where I was before I started meds, but I'm not rushing it.
Due to all the blood loss, it's taking a bit longer to get my energy back. - and I'm not even taking care of a newborn. (seriously, new moms who hemorrhage and then take their baby home - mad props to you ladies) I get winded easily, and get tired fast. Yos and I enjoyed a shopping day out of town yesterday, and about two hours in I was done. As much as I wanted to keep going, I just couldn't. This is getting a lot better though. In those days after delivery I couldn't even shower without feeling like I was going to fall over, so shopping at all is a huge improvement.
I'm a lot less sore. Just in general. The end of pregnancy is just a sore moment in time. Carrying all the extra weight is taxing on the body. Labor is hard work. Delivering the baby... Hard work. I'm no longer slowing down when I drive over a bump in the road, and I'm sitting a lot easier than I was a week ago. Huge improvement.
My appetite really plummeted in those days when I first got home, but it's picking back up. I'm pumping for Bunny so I need to keep my calorie intake on the higher side, and it's a still a struggle, but I'm working on it.
Also, I'm sleeping through the night. Something that my bladder hasn't allowed in quite some time. It's pretty awesome.
Emotionally: I feel really good. It's par for me to have a 'blah' day or two after having a baby, and sure enough that day came and went last week and I'm back to myself. Jack and Jill flew home yesterday with Bunny, and saying goodbye on Friday night was just as I expected. It was full of laughter, and tears, and joy, and a sting of "oh I'm going to miss them".. and I will. But I am SO overjoyed that after a month away from home, they are settling into their new normal with their new baby.
I made a family. I made a woman a mom, a man a dad, and I physically grew a new life. I made dreams come true. While I'm not arrogant about it or anything, I recognize the impact I had on these lives and I feel pretty darn good about it.
FAQ 2: Were Jack and Jill in the delivery room? Was it weird?
Yes they were, and no it wasn't. It was their baby being born. Of course I wanted them to be there. While in labor they were in and out, sometimes because I needed privacy (while in the shower, or if the nurse was doing an exam), but sometimes because they just stepped out on their own. But for the hour of pushing and delivery they were waiting patiently off to the side of the bed by the baby warmer. Don't get me wrong, I'm a modest woman, but this was their child. And honestly, at that point, I wasn't all that concerned about who was in the room. When Bunny was delivered Jill came to hold her baby while Jack cut the cord. It was in those moments that Jill's expression was.... so incredibly priceless. I can't imagine it going any other way.
FAQ 3: So will you keep in touch with them?
Yes. Going into this experience I knew I wanted to match with a couple who wanted continued contact. I wanted to hear about how they were doing and how the baby was growing. Turns out Jack and Jill have become family and we'll carry on accordingly. I'm pretty blessed.
FAQ 4: How are the boys doing with the whole thing?
All three are fairing well. The little boys are doing just fine. They enjoyed meeting the baby, but were not phased by the fact the Jack and Jill were the mom and dad. Yos is doing well too. For as relatively hands-off as he was in the beginning parts of this adventure, he really was such an important part of this. I can't say enough wonderful things about him... He really is something great. He had some snuggle time with Bunny and I'll bet that he squeezed Jack and Jill about as tight as I did when we parted ways.
FAQ 5: So seriously... You didn't want to keep the baby after delivery?
No, I seriously didn't. Being that I'd never delivered a baby for anyone else before, I thought about this moment a lot late in the pregnancy... How would it be? How would it feel to watch this little life I've come to know go right into somebody else's arms? I really just didn't know what to expect.
It felt completely right. It only made sense. As I watched Jill hold her baby for the first time, it felt exactly right. I felt proud, and overjoyed for her, and I breathed a huge sigh of relief. Not only was my task delivering the baby completed, my task of growing the baby was completed too. Successfully at that. There's a gigantic responsibility us surrogates take on when we put somebody else's embryo into our uterus. The heaviness of that responsibility is real, and it's felt the entire duration of the pregnancy. As Jack and Jill held their new baby, it felt like a natural transfer of responsibility. I had done my part, and now it was their (long awaited) turn.
I describe it this way - I was excited to meet the baby, but I didn't want the baby.
FAQ 6: So.. What now?
This was something I was actually prepared to feel myself... But so far I have not.
No, I will not do another surrogacy.
No, this surrogacy has not uncovered some deep hidden desire to have another baby of my own.
Honestly, I plan to have wine with dinner.
I plan on getting a tattoo.
I plan on graduating from college next year.
I plan on enjoying a winter trip with my husband, and playing with my boys.
I plan on doing a whole lot of stuff I had been planning on anyway.
I guess the only thing I plan on doing that I hadn't before is donating blood (when I'm able). I was pretty ill there after delivery, and I greatly benefited from the donated blood I received. I'd like to be able to give back in that regard.
That's all for tonight. Until next time,
Carmen
FAQ 1: How are you feeling?
Physically: Good. I'm not back to my normal self yet, but being that I delivered 11 days ago, I'd say that's ok. I'm down about 40 pounds, and am in that awkward stage where my maternity pants are too big and my normal pants are too small. I'll take it. I got SO puffy towards the end that my legs didn't even look like my own - it was almost bizarre. So lots of that weight is fluid (and the nearly ten pound baby!), but it's nice to be able to put on socks and shoes. I've still got about 20-25 pounds to get back down to where I was before I started meds, but I'm not rushing it.
Due to all the blood loss, it's taking a bit longer to get my energy back. - and I'm not even taking care of a newborn. (seriously, new moms who hemorrhage and then take their baby home - mad props to you ladies) I get winded easily, and get tired fast. Yos and I enjoyed a shopping day out of town yesterday, and about two hours in I was done. As much as I wanted to keep going, I just couldn't. This is getting a lot better though. In those days after delivery I couldn't even shower without feeling like I was going to fall over, so shopping at all is a huge improvement.
I'm a lot less sore. Just in general. The end of pregnancy is just a sore moment in time. Carrying all the extra weight is taxing on the body. Labor is hard work. Delivering the baby... Hard work. I'm no longer slowing down when I drive over a bump in the road, and I'm sitting a lot easier than I was a week ago. Huge improvement.
My appetite really plummeted in those days when I first got home, but it's picking back up. I'm pumping for Bunny so I need to keep my calorie intake on the higher side, and it's a still a struggle, but I'm working on it.
Also, I'm sleeping through the night. Something that my bladder hasn't allowed in quite some time. It's pretty awesome.
Emotionally: I feel really good. It's par for me to have a 'blah' day or two after having a baby, and sure enough that day came and went last week and I'm back to myself. Jack and Jill flew home yesterday with Bunny, and saying goodbye on Friday night was just as I expected. It was full of laughter, and tears, and joy, and a sting of "oh I'm going to miss them".. and I will. But I am SO overjoyed that after a month away from home, they are settling into their new normal with their new baby.
I made a family. I made a woman a mom, a man a dad, and I physically grew a new life. I made dreams come true. While I'm not arrogant about it or anything, I recognize the impact I had on these lives and I feel pretty darn good about it.
FAQ 2: Were Jack and Jill in the delivery room? Was it weird?
Yes they were, and no it wasn't. It was their baby being born. Of course I wanted them to be there. While in labor they were in and out, sometimes because I needed privacy (while in the shower, or if the nurse was doing an exam), but sometimes because they just stepped out on their own. But for the hour of pushing and delivery they were waiting patiently off to the side of the bed by the baby warmer. Don't get me wrong, I'm a modest woman, but this was their child. And honestly, at that point, I wasn't all that concerned about who was in the room. When Bunny was delivered Jill came to hold her baby while Jack cut the cord. It was in those moments that Jill's expression was.... so incredibly priceless. I can't imagine it going any other way.
FAQ 3: So will you keep in touch with them?
Yes. Going into this experience I knew I wanted to match with a couple who wanted continued contact. I wanted to hear about how they were doing and how the baby was growing. Turns out Jack and Jill have become family and we'll carry on accordingly. I'm pretty blessed.
FAQ 4: How are the boys doing with the whole thing?
All three are fairing well. The little boys are doing just fine. They enjoyed meeting the baby, but were not phased by the fact the Jack and Jill were the mom and dad. Yos is doing well too. For as relatively hands-off as he was in the beginning parts of this adventure, he really was such an important part of this. I can't say enough wonderful things about him... He really is something great. He had some snuggle time with Bunny and I'll bet that he squeezed Jack and Jill about as tight as I did when we parted ways.
FAQ 5: So seriously... You didn't want to keep the baby after delivery?
No, I seriously didn't. Being that I'd never delivered a baby for anyone else before, I thought about this moment a lot late in the pregnancy... How would it be? How would it feel to watch this little life I've come to know go right into somebody else's arms? I really just didn't know what to expect.
It felt completely right. It only made sense. As I watched Jill hold her baby for the first time, it felt exactly right. I felt proud, and overjoyed for her, and I breathed a huge sigh of relief. Not only was my task delivering the baby completed, my task of growing the baby was completed too. Successfully at that. There's a gigantic responsibility us surrogates take on when we put somebody else's embryo into our uterus. The heaviness of that responsibility is real, and it's felt the entire duration of the pregnancy. As Jack and Jill held their new baby, it felt like a natural transfer of responsibility. I had done my part, and now it was their (long awaited) turn.
I describe it this way - I was excited to meet the baby, but I didn't want the baby.
FAQ 6: So.. What now?
This was something I was actually prepared to feel myself... But so far I have not.
No, I will not do another surrogacy.
No, this surrogacy has not uncovered some deep hidden desire to have another baby of my own.
Honestly, I plan to have wine with dinner.
I plan on getting a tattoo.
I plan on graduating from college next year.
I plan on enjoying a winter trip with my husband, and playing with my boys.
I plan on doing a whole lot of stuff I had been planning on anyway.
I guess the only thing I plan on doing that I hadn't before is donating blood (when I'm able). I was pretty ill there after delivery, and I greatly benefited from the donated blood I received. I'd like to be able to give back in that regard.
That's all for tonight. Until next time,
Carmen
Friday, November 8, 2013
the story.
So I thought I'd write up Bunny's birth story. I've never written one for either of my guys, but I thought it fitting this time around. I know when I was wanting to become a surrogate and reading every surro blog I could find, I wanted to read about how the big day actually went down.
That being said : This post is about the size of a novel. Plan accordingly. Also, I'm not going to spare many details. If this is not your thing - I respectfully advise you to move on. Check back in a few days for a post about how much I love college instead.
from the beginning
we had an induction scheduled for 11/1.
none of us wanted to make it to that day. inductions are not fun.
The weekend came and went and there was no baby.
Monday (10/28) we had an OB appointment in the morning where the doc stripped my membranes and we had one last ultrasound. Bunny was estimated at 8lbs13oz. Big. We also nailed down the specifics for the induction on Friday.
After the OB appointment we had another acupuncture appointment - at this point I was resigning myself to the fact that we'd just wait until Friday at 8am and make the best of the induction.
Monday night I slept like a rock (another gigantic selling point for the acupunture!), and woke up at 7 to get up and going. Christian and I had school, and Nolan was excited to play at daycare, just like any other Tuesday. I was convinced that this baby wasn't coming a minute before Friday so it only made sense to carry on with business as usual.
As I was going about my morning I noticed that my bladder must be leaking or something. Gross I know, but I went through 2 or 3 panty liners before noon. Then it dawned on me that maybe I wasn't losing control of my bladder, but maybe it was amniotic fluid... But probably not. I'd been having contractions, but braxton hicks had been a constant in my life for the past couple of weeks so I didn't think much of it. Just to be sure, I called into the doctor and she said to come in and she'd see what was up. Well, I was in the next town over about to give a lecture on Thomas Jefferson and the faith of the founding fathers so this last minute appointment would just have to wait. I didn't call Jack, Jill, Yosi, the doula, or my mom. I figured really, it's got to be nothing, why bother?
I gave my lecture (which was fascinating I might add), and then headed back to town for my appointment.
Weight, blood pressure, pee in cup, and then pants off exam. Doc sent a swab to lab to confirm/deny the presence of fluid, and then
I sat there and waited for the results to come back. I was just kicking myself for even coming in. It was nothing, the contractions were just nothing, and this was a wasted trip. I was glad I hadn't called anyone yet because I could just keep this whole mistake to myself.
Then the doctor walks back in and says "It's definitely amniotic fluid. Do you have your hospital bags with you?" I proceeded to ask her about 15 times if she was sure - eventually she just gave me the lab results to read for myself because I was not convinced.
I, of course, did not have my hospital bags with me. So at this point I drive home, pack my bag, and drive myself to the hospital to get checked in. Yosi went off to pick up the guys and get them settled at grandmas before meeting me at the hospital around 4pm.
I didn't call Jack and Jill just yet because I had a brilliantly cute idea that I'd wait until I was checked in and then text them a picture of my hospital bracelet saying "It's a beautiful day to have a baby!" - this was especially cute because the day was really dreadful and rainy and cold. I thought that they were just across the street at their hotel, but as it turns out they were also over an hour away doing some shopping.
So it ended up just being me and Yosi at the hospital for a little while as Jack and Jill rushed back to town. We talked about all sorts of stuff, mostly keeping our minds off of the long night ahead.
Doctor came in about six and really broke my water. It had been leaking for maybe twelve hours already but was still partially intact.
It was shortly after this that Evie (the doula) and Jack and Jill arrived. The mood was still pretty light and the contractions were still not that bad and everything was going along swimmingly. Jack ran out for some grocery things and a pizza. Jill and Evie chatted in the corner and Yos kept me focused on him and our light and unimportant conversation.
Then our we added to the party. My nurse came in and said that there was a nurse who had worked at the hospital for many years and was in the process of becoming a midwife. Would I mind if she came in to observe? Gosh, there was already so many people around... but I love me some students. So I said yes.
And then a medical student who I'd seen a few times before poked her head in and asked if she could stick around for the event too. Of course she could join.
Then the midwife student (Jen) checked my progress (maybe around 9) and I was a solid 7. I was really relieved that my body got the picture and was doing its job. Jen then suggested I get into the shower. The shower was good. The water was nice and the quiet was nice. It was about this time that I was ready to be done. I didn't want drugs, or a csection, I just wanted to be anywhere but there. I wanted to be at home in bed, like I usually was at that time. I wanted to be relaxing with my husband and not in the middle of labor.
I got out of the shower and got dressed and then just stood leaning against Yos. At this point I'm not sure who was around anymore. It was maybe midnight, and then everything was hard. Standing was bad, sitting was bad, laying was bad, the shower was bad. Everything was bad. The least bad was standing so that's what we did.
If I wasn't already convinced that my husband was the best in the whole world, I was now. He stood with me and when I asked what we were going to do tomorrow, he listed off exactly what I wanted to hear.
*watch Boston win the world series.
*eat pie
*play with the boys
*go to bed at our normal time
*with Lucinda (the cat)
*and the fan on
I asked him this over and over and over again. And he responded, in that order, over and over and over again.
Then it was time to push and this was some hard work. The room was full with Jack, Jill, Evie, Jen, the med student, the doctor, the nurse, and Yosi. It was a full house! I was most afraid of this through the whole pregnancy and now I had to just face it and get it over with. Except I was really terrified. And tired. And I wanted to be anywhere but in that hospital, doing anything but having a baby.
I took about an hour at this. Could I have been done in 30? Sure, but I just couldn't bring myself to push that hard. But then there just wasn't a choice anymore. Lucky for me, as I asked repeatedly what we'd be doing the following day, Yosi didn't miss a beat.
Bunny was born at 3:10 am on 10/30 weighing 9lbs8oz. Watching Jill's face as she came close to hold her baby was possibly the best thing I've ever seen in my life. She had the most priceless look.... Her face in that moment made every pregnancy discomfort, contraction, and push, worth it tens times over.
In all of the joy, this is where I first knew something was off. The placenta was taking a really long time, and both the nurse and the midwife had a strange look on their faces. Then the doctor started some pitocin to help get things going. But we still waited quite a bit.
At this point Jack and Jill were in the nursery with Bunny and the med student went to get some sleep before she had rounds. It was just the nurse, Evie, Doc, Midwife, and Yosi. After the placenta came out it looked like things might be fine. They started to clean me up a bit, the doctor and midwife student left, and Evie and Yosi rested. As time progressed and the first liter of pit wasn't slowing the bleeding, I started to feel crappy - nauseous, pale, shaky, cold, and just yucky.
This is when talk began of transfusions and a possible D&C... Honestly I felt so crappy that I was more than ready to agree to anything that would make me feel better.
After another liter of pitocin, some cytotec, a shot of methergen, nausea meds, and pain meds the wonderful nurses cleaned me up (because I still hadn't gotten in the shower - or out of bed at all) and moved me to a recovery room to get some sleep while I got two units of blood.
By the end of the day, I was feeling much better. I was able to shower, and get up and move (slowly) around my room.
In the morning, I was able to walk down to the nursery to visit the new family. Boy did they look wonderful. I went home later that day and finally got some real rest in my own bed with my husband, at our normal time, with Lucinda, and the fan on.
Until next time,
Carmen
Thursday, October 31, 2013
guess what?
I had a baby yesterday!
Jack and Jill are completely overjoyed.
Baby Bunny is adjusting to life on the outside, but is getting better at it all the time.
I am recovering nicely after an unexpected post birth hemorrhage.
Will be back to fill in the blanks soon.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
a public service announcement:
do not tell pregnant women how big they look.
ever.
Okay so Yosi, the guys, and I were at a fiesta last night. It was fine.
Except all these women kept commenting on how big I am.
This makes me cranky. You know what? Yes, I am big. BECAUSE I'M GROWING A HUMAN BEING.
A human that does not even belong to me.
Pretty rad, huh?
It's not even the surrogacy thing. I got this with my guys too, and it just baffles me every single time. What leaves me even more befuddled is that a whopping majority of these comments come from women.
Rarely will you find a man who comments negatively on a woman's size - pregnant or not - directly to her face. Why? Because it's rude. That's why.
But for some odd reason, certain women seem to think it's completely fine to tell a pregnant woman how ginormous she has gotten.
If this is you, please realize that it's not okay. She knows. Trust me, she knows that there is a 5 pound child occupying her entire abdominal cavity. She knows that every second of the day when she moves slower than usual. She knows it when she has to take a nap instead of go to the park, simply because the act of growing that child can be completely exhausting. She knows it when she's up for the fourth time that night to empty her teeny tiny bladder. She knows it when she's trying hard to put together a train puzzle on the floor and eventually has to look on from the couch because that baby has curled up in her ribs so high that the bones feel like they might actually snap. She knows when she goes to get dressed and... I won't even go there.
But you know what? She doesn't mind. She gets to feel that baby rolling around and hiccuping. When she tosses and turns at night, hoping to find a comfortable way to sleep, she thinks about what wonderful things this new life will accomplish during their own time on earth. She knows that because of her sacrifice, a family will grow, and more love will come to exist in this world.
Literally. Love that did not even exist before, will now be a part of the universe. Think about that for a second. Brand new love.
So yes, pregnant women get big. But we do not need your comments on the matter. Especially those comments designed to do nothing other than fill the air. The comments that do nothing to lift us up, but rather could only be intended to make us feel less anything less than remarkable. Because that is honestly what we are. We are over here, growing love, and all you can think to comment on is how big we look?
Well, I think that you'd be better off saying nothing at all.
Carmen
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