tragedy.

 

 

I am kind of a grown up. I do grown up things, and I have grown up friends. But at the end of the night I am 21 years old. This only matters because I have not experienced a lot of national tragedy. I did not know what it was like to mourn for folks you don't know.

 

Unfortunately, this is no longer true. It might be because I am grown, it might be due to the fact that I have a five year old in school, but most likely it is because I am human. I am overwhelmed with grief for the families in Newtown, Connecticut tonight.

 

"Motherhood is near to divinity. It is the highest, holiest service to be assumed by mankind." Howard Hunter. (I am not Mormon, but I think this quote is perfection.)

 

I am a student. I am an employee. I am a scholar. I am a wife. I am a woman. I plan on being wonderful in this lifetime I have. I will do great things. I plan to make some sort of difference. With all that said, the greatest thing I will ever do with my time on Earth is be a mother to my sons.

 

I think that's a mom thing. It takes a priority above all else. Life can exist around it, but central to a mother's very being lies the well being of her children.

 

Tonight there are 20 mothers who have lost the light of their life. Twenty mothers who are no longer whole, but broken and shattered. Mothers who will never find answers that are sufficient for their questions. Twenty mothers who will forever have to love a child that lives in God's house, instead of their house - and while God's house is a great place to live, it doesn't matter. Those babies should be at home with their Moms and Dads.

 

I drop my son off at school Monday through Friday at 12:20. I drive him there, take him in, and then I drive away. I go back at 3:15 and watch his smiling face walk towards me with stories to tell about his day. There were 20 mothers today who were not able to pick up their babies.

 

I first heard of the news today on my way to drop Christian off at school. Luckily I was listening to kLOVE and the DJs were well aware of the possibility of little ears and they were quite vague. I got home and put on the news and sat there in tears as I watched the footage. When Yos got home we sat, watched, and cried together.

 

At three o'clock with Nolan in tow we drove together to Christian's school. I cried along the way. I knew that in just a few minutes we'd be hugging our guy, when there was 20 moms and 20 dads that will never again feel those tiny arms squeezing back. As the other parents in Christian's class gathered to wait for their littles it was evident that all of us had watched the news. We all knew about those 20 children, and those 20 moms and the 20 dads. We said nothing, but I know that all of us felt so incredibly blessed to stand there and wait for our smiling children to walk towards us.

 

At 3:18 he came out of the door of the school with the rest of his class. He was in the middle of the line and was grinning ear to ear. I knew that he was fine, but seeing his face brought me the greatest sense of relief. At 3:19 he was in my arms. As soon as he was in the 'safe zone' he left his line and ran into my hug. I hugged him so darn tight that I just about squeezed all of the air out of him. Every other parent there did the same with their child.

 

On our way back to the car he asked, "Mommy, why are you squashing my hand. I need it to write my letters, you know?"

and I said

"You know, it's just that I can't get over how perfect your hand fits inside mine."

and he said

"Mommy! That's because you're my Mom, that's how it's supposed to be!"

 

I then held back my tears until he was in his car seat and I was in the passenger seat, and my face was out of his line of sight.

 

There have been quite a few national tragedies in my lifetime. However, because now I am an adult, this one hits extra hard. I didn't quite understand that worked until now. I do not know a single person who lives in Connecticut, but my heart goes out to every single one of the families affected by the tragedy that occurred today. I pray for you.

 

I pray that someday you'll be able to find peace and comfort... I pray that even today in the midst of such pain, darkness, sadness, anger, and anguish that God may be with you.

 

Until next time,

Carmen