knowing more.

 

 

As a parent my first priority is my littles. Always. Parenthood is tricky though. There is about a million and one different decisions to make. No pressure here... but there aren't any do-overs either.

Something Yos and I have talked about for many years is whether or not we would want the guys to go to public school or private school. We have a better than average public school system here, but the private school here is religious based and I like the thought of the boys getting a strong foundation of religious knowledge.

Anyhow, for Jr. Kindergarten this year we sent Christian to the Catholic school.We have been really happy with how things have been so far. I've been gently attempting to persuade Yosi to keep him at this school through his elementary years.

Until just last week.

Christian and I were at Walmart and he was just chatting away as usual. I asked him all about his day at school. He goes on to tell me that they colored a project with Jesus and Mary. ok, great. What else did you do. He continues on about this project and how Jesus was the color 'peach'. wait a minute.

Right when he mentioned that something clicked in my mind. I asked him a bit more about it and he said, "I colored Jesus the crayon called peach because that's what everybody did. The picture in our room looks like he's peach too. I think it matches great."

Ok so hear me out. I have zero problems with Christian thinking that Jesus was a fair skinned man. Nobody knows for sure, but the simple fact that he was a middle eastern fellow would lead me to believe that he was not peach. It is more probable that he was pecan. That's besides the point really and now I'm describing Jesus in terms of pie varieties. Moving on.

The point is that by sending our sons to a Catholic school they are going to get a (duh!) Catholic religious background and nothing else. And forever and ever any religious information they encounter they will look at through a Catholic lens. I am not at all saying this is bad.. just not exactly what I want for them. I want their lenses clear so that they can soak up all sorts of different ideas.

We have decided that the boys will not be going to private school. Maybe they won't get religious teaching at school, but that doesn't mean they won't get any. We'll go to church, we'll practice yoga, we'll visit the synagogue, and take a trip to the temple. I am going to make a concentrated effort to make sure that they are exposed to lots of different ideas and traditions. Not to say we won't tell them our personal beliefs, but in my opinion it is always better to know more than to know less. I think that is the best way I can take care of them.

Until next time,
Carmen



how much money do you get for that?

Sometimes when you're a surrogate you run into folks who think you're in it for the money.

Yeah. I said it. And I'll address it too.

Tonight we had an old friend over for dinner. After dinner we were chatting and Yosi commented on my fuzzy pumpkin pattern sock. I laughed him off and chuckled that it was my lucky flying sock when I went to New York. (I'm kind of superstitious...)

Then our pal excitedly asked what I did while in New York. Then I realized that our friend had not been included in the circle of folks that know about Jack, Jill, and our adventure. But at this point, we had no choice but to be honest with him. So we just flat out told him that I was in the process of becoming a gestational surrogate for a couple out east and that's what I was doing in New York.

If you know me, you know that I am always willing and glad to answer almost any question related to the process. I think it better for people to ask than speculate. I am nearly an open book when it comes to questions about surro stuff.

So like a lot of people he seems shocked and asks why.. So I give him a shortened version of this. We had even talked earlier in the evening how Yos and I were finished having babies, and so I piled on the fact that I love being pregnant. I explained that with the boys being such an invaluable part of our life I wanted to be able to help make another family.

Then he asks, "Yeah, but you get money for that right?"

It is not the first time somebody has asked about the money, and I doubt it'll be the last. I always answer the money stuff vaguely and then move the conversation in a different direction. I never deny that there is compensation involved, but evidently some folks don't understand that it's really not appropriate to ask about money specifics.

Even so, I'd rather have somebody come straight out and ask what the compensation was. Doesn't mean I'd answer it, but at least I would know that they were really wondering about the money. Not about my motives in getting involved in surrogacy.

A person who comes to mind is one of my best friends from school. He didn't, and may never fully understand why I chose to do this. He thinks it's nuts. He thinks that it's silly that I would even consider this. But regardless of how he may feel about this choice, he still supports me as his friend. He knows that I am knee deep in this surro stuff because it's something I want to do.

This other guy was sitting in my living room, making very obvious assumptions about my intentions. I am not confrontational so I just left it alone and said, "It's something that we thought about for quite awhile and we're very excited about it." He kind of smirks and says "interesting". I replied, "I think so. If you ever have any questions I'm always willing to hear them. Not everybody thinks it's as wonderful as we do, but I see it as a fantastic opportunity to bring more love into this world. And I think that's pretty friggin awesome."

Without skipping a beat my husband jumps into the conversation and says, "That's absolutely correct. Friggin awesome is how I would describe it too. Not everybody can do what she's going to do. You wouldn't believe the appointments, and the shots that are completely rediculous. Not to mention putting her precious body through another baby, and one that isn't even for us. Not everybody can do that, and that seems priceless to me."

I about fell over dead.

Right there in that moment I couldn't hardly believe what he had said. I was completely speechless. Now, I'll tell ya that Yos has been pretty neutral on the surro front. He supports it because he supports me, and he knows this is something I'm passionate about. His number one concern has always been my health and wellbeing through the process, and besides that he's pretty quiet about the whole thing. He was anyway. Tonight he stood up for me when he saw that my intentions were questioned. He was right there and had my back when I was clearly taken off guard and hurt by a friend. Tonight I am so thankful that he is who he is.

moral of the story : 1) not everyone is going to be supportive. that's fine, just don't go making assumptions. 2) my husband is the best husband ever.

Until next time,
Carmen

around this house.

around this (new!) house

 

we display this beautiful tile handprint that christian made at school.

i will say that eventhough i have been completely happy with his time at school thus far, this project makes the tuition worth every penny.

 

we work hard at Christmas cookies. really hard.

 

I spend lots of time menu planning. on the floor. in my favorite winter time sweater.

 

I do this because I hosted my very first Christmas dinner! It went well, and it was an absolute blast. I think a great time was had by all.

 

I am going to spare the details this evening, but I'll be back with them soon.

 

with that all of in this house wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas!

 

 

Carmen

 

 

 

 

 

 



tragedy.

 

 

I am kind of a grown up. I do grown up things, and I have grown up friends. But at the end of the night I am 21 years old. This only matters because I have not experienced a lot of national tragedy. I did not know what it was like to mourn for folks you don't know.

 

Unfortunately, this is no longer true. It might be because I am grown, it might be due to the fact that I have a five year old in school, but most likely it is because I am human. I am overwhelmed with grief for the families in Newtown, Connecticut tonight.

 

"Motherhood is near to divinity. It is the highest, holiest service to be assumed by mankind." Howard Hunter. (I am not Mormon, but I think this quote is perfection.)

 

I am a student. I am an employee. I am a scholar. I am a wife. I am a woman. I plan on being wonderful in this lifetime I have. I will do great things. I plan to make some sort of difference. With all that said, the greatest thing I will ever do with my time on Earth is be a mother to my sons.

 

I think that's a mom thing. It takes a priority above all else. Life can exist around it, but central to a mother's very being lies the well being of her children.

 

Tonight there are 20 mothers who have lost the light of their life. Twenty mothers who are no longer whole, but broken and shattered. Mothers who will never find answers that are sufficient for their questions. Twenty mothers who will forever have to love a child that lives in God's house, instead of their house - and while God's house is a great place to live, it doesn't matter. Those babies should be at home with their Moms and Dads.

 

I drop my son off at school Monday through Friday at 12:20. I drive him there, take him in, and then I drive away. I go back at 3:15 and watch his smiling face walk towards me with stories to tell about his day. There were 20 mothers today who were not able to pick up their babies.

 

I first heard of the news today on my way to drop Christian off at school. Luckily I was listening to kLOVE and the DJs were well aware of the possibility of little ears and they were quite vague. I got home and put on the news and sat there in tears as I watched the footage. When Yos got home we sat, watched, and cried together.

 

At three o'clock with Nolan in tow we drove together to Christian's school. I cried along the way. I knew that in just a few minutes we'd be hugging our guy, when there was 20 moms and 20 dads that will never again feel those tiny arms squeezing back. As the other parents in Christian's class gathered to wait for their littles it was evident that all of us had watched the news. We all knew about those 20 children, and those 20 moms and the 20 dads. We said nothing, but I know that all of us felt so incredibly blessed to stand there and wait for our smiling children to walk towards us.

 

At 3:18 he came out of the door of the school with the rest of his class. He was in the middle of the line and was grinning ear to ear. I knew that he was fine, but seeing his face brought me the greatest sense of relief. At 3:19 he was in my arms. As soon as he was in the 'safe zone' he left his line and ran into my hug. I hugged him so darn tight that I just about squeezed all of the air out of him. Every other parent there did the same with their child.

 

On our way back to the car he asked, "Mommy, why are you squashing my hand. I need it to write my letters, you know?"

and I said

"You know, it's just that I can't get over how perfect your hand fits inside mine."

and he said

"Mommy! That's because you're my Mom, that's how it's supposed to be!"

 

I then held back my tears until he was in his car seat and I was in the passenger seat, and my face was out of his line of sight.

 

There have been quite a few national tragedies in my lifetime. However, because now I am an adult, this one hits extra hard. I didn't quite understand that worked until now. I do not know a single person who lives in Connecticut, but my heart goes out to every single one of the families affected by the tragedy that occurred today. I pray for you.

 

I pray that someday you'll be able to find peace and comfort... I pray that even today in the midst of such pain, darkness, sadness, anger, and anguish that God may be with you.

 

Until next time,

Carmen



finals. packing. festivity.

Amen.

Semester successfully completed? Check.
     I love school and all, but man am I ready for some R&R.

House packed? Check... erm.. Semi-Check
     We're moving!! A bigger place, with  amenities (dishwasher anyone?), a big back yard for the boys to play, and an overall upgrade from our beloved home now. Moving day is next week and I'm super super super excited. Hey, by the way, I can't wait. I just have to get all of my stuff together (literally) and get it ready to go.

Christmas Spirit? It's complicated.
     Ok so because of moving exactly a week before Christmas, I have not yet put up my tree. Gasp! I know. If you know me you know that my tree is usually up well before Thanksgiving... Don't judge - I love the holiday season, and more than that I love the holiday spirit that just brings out the best in folks. It's been a tad tricky getting ahold of full my usual full blown holiday spirit because my house does not at all feel festive, it feels messy instead. Boxes all over the place. Not sparkly and magical. Our first night in our new house we'll put up our tree and get the Christmas spirit into high gear.

Until next time,
Carmen



can you spare a prayer?

If ever you were a person who prays, please say a prayer for this family. They need loving and comforting thoughts coming their way while they walk this terribly tough path.

too much of an overdue update.

Sometimes when you're a surrogate you forget that even though some days it seems like it, not everyone you know wants to know about the status of you menstrual cycle.

This includes (but is not limited to) :

 

your study group

the people at the noonday prayer service on campus

your father in law

the checkout lady at the vitamin store

probably the folks creeping on your blog...

 

(for any future surros out there: the point is that when you do a surrogacy there are a lot of people that need to know a lot of things about your period. but the kinds of people I mention above... they usually don't.)

 

 

So I haven't talked about here it in a while but Jack, Jill, and I will be giving the IFV another go in February. Initially we hoped for January, but because my body is lagging we're looking at a February transfer.

 

I almost feel bad even typing this, but I am anyway because I think that the other surros visiting can relate. I had an incredibly tough time with the failed cycle. I know they weren't my embryos. It wasn't going to be my baby. And it wasn't really even my loss to mourn. But you know what, I did anyway. Take a glass and fill it will excitement, eagerness, a healthy portion of hopes and dreams, two scoops of effort and time, and add a generous helping of legwork and commitment. That is what Jack, Jill, and I were drinking together for about six months. I'd had the surrogacy bug for a couple of years and I feel confidant saying that Jack and Jill have had the whole "I want us to be parents" thing going on for much longer than that.

 

And it didn't work.

 

I know I know I know - nothing is guaranteed, and nobody is to blame. I completely understand this. But the ONLY job my uterus had was to hang on tight to one (or both) of those teeny embryos. And it didn't. And that is hard. It is hard that these people who I have come to know and love had to feel another sting on their journey to parenthood.

 

I know that their hearts have been hurting too, but lucky for me, they also understand that sometimes things happen and sometimes they don't. None of this sadness has come from them - it's just a natural part of what this is when the cookie crumbles this way.

 

Anyway, we wanted January but we're looking at February now and I for one am feeling really optimistic (surprising? no.). I think this will be our time, and we're doing a bunch of extra stuff to up our odds. But that is another post for another day. I just wanted to give an update because some of you have been asking.

 

Things are still moving forward, and the future is looking very bright for us :)

 

Until next time,

Carmen

 

 

 

 

almost back.

It's that time of year friends! I can't believe it is already December, and contrary to popular belief I have not fallen off the face of the Earth. It is almost the end of the semester and after that I'll be back - probably more than you would even like! In the meantime I wish you all a jolly start to your holiday season.

Also, a huge shout out to my dear husband who has been picking up an enormous amount of slack as I trudge through these demanding few weeks. Love you!

Until next time,
Carmen