thursday thoughts.

Hey Carmen, why is there a lime as the photo for this post?

Funny you ask, I was just going to tell you that Bunny is the size of a lime this week. Obviously that should be celebrated here on the blog. 

11 weeks along and finally finding some pep in my steps. Not a lot, but more than there was. When my alarm goes off in the morning I actually think thoughts about getting up instead of thoughts about throwing that damn alarm away. I'd qualify that as a step in the right direction. 

School is fine (read: busy). I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and am running towards it. I'm ready for a nice break. I don't dare call it a summer break.... In order for that it must not snowing. We don't meet those requirements. Sigh.

I had a 24 hour (not even) stomach flu late last week. I wouldn't be mad if that never happened again. Yuck, I felt awful but luckily with some help from my mom and Yos I managed to survive in one piece - though a couple pounds lighter. 

Sometimes, randomly, Yosi will come up to me and ask me to marry him. Every once and a while he'll take my ring off, get on one knee and the whole shebang. Cheesy? Absolutely. But you had better believe that I say yes just as excitedly as I did the first time over five years ago. He's a pretty swell guy.

The boys are perfect. See?

Every night Yos and I tuck them snugly into their own beds. Every night before we turn in we find them together. 

Stealing moments like this is a deep breath. A quiet moment were they aren't bickering, or wrestling, or pulling each others' hair, or whining about who is going to pick up or play with which toy. A moment where I get to catch a glimpse of the friendship they have, the bond they are building, and that brother love that I so desperately want for them.

Until next time,

Carmen

time and stuff.

but you don't.

 love people you love. really love them. love them in practical ways, love them in extravagant ways, tell them you love them. often. 

Yos and I visited my family this weekend. It's about a six hour car ride, and we made the trip sans boys. Just him and I. Man I love that guy. It's cheesy right, but I really love spending time with him. Except on the way home he drove me nuts for about 30 miles going on incessantly about the Nike store we stopped at. It was short lived and then he went back to being awesome... or I just stopped being cranky. One or the other.

We spent three days visiting. It was wonderful and too short. I spent most of my time sitting on the couch. Just sitting. And it was the only thing I wanted to do. I live far away from my family, and we don't talk nearly as often as we should, but there is something so comforting about sitting in a room full of folks I love and who love me. 

But this is not a sad post. Not tonight. 

Today is a big day for Jack, Jill, Bunny, and I. We are 10 weeks along today! We're talking double digits here people. This week Bunny is the size of a prune. 

How am I feeling?

Better. I am less tired (hey, it is 9:30 and I'm still awake!), and have more motivation....sometimes. 

I get nauseous about 6pm and it lasts until I go to bed. 

Drinking large glasses of water in the morning makes me throw up for the rest of the day. Every time. <- I know this because I've tried it multiple days... just to be sure I guess. 

I have already increased the number of pillows I sleep with. By the time Nolan was born I was up to 7 and Yos was down to 1. I'm thinking I might invest in a pregnancy pillow this time around so Yosi doesn't develop a permanent kink in his neck.

I bought my first pair of maternity pants over the weekend. They are still too big, but might be good for hauling melons around...(Phoebe from Friends anyone?)

I have lost about 7lbs recently, but I'm pretty sure it's because I'm not taking gigantic doses of estrogen anymore. I don't feel like I've lost ANY pounds. I can't even find my favorite jeans due to lack of use. Yoga pants are still pants, and it doesn't matter what anyone else says.

In other news:

I actually made dinner AND did laundry the other night and was feeling like the BEST wife in the whole world. Until I accidentally washed Yosi's iPod with the laundry. Oops.

Evidently spring is confused and brought us an ice storm. I'm soooo over it. I'm even more over reading about it in my news feed. 

We watched Remember the Titans last night. I cried through most of the movie. Right when it stops being funny it gets sad. And then that cycle started all over again until Gary's funeral when I was down right sobbing.

     ^When I was pregnant with Christian I had the great idea of watching Castaway for the first time.. I still get teary think about Wilson getting lost.

Oh and it's finals season and today I studied for 1 hour. Napped for 2 hours. Spent at least 45 minutes on Pinterest. Blogged after the boys went to bed. And now I'm going to go watch an episode of Prison Break I've already seen. I'll study tomorrow. 

Until next time,

Carmen

for your reading pleasure: a Pauline analysis.

So I was sitting in my New Testament Analysis class on Tuesday and we're looking at Pauline letters. My professor brings up the issue of slavery and how both the North and the South used the same Pauline letter to argue their case. So he sent us on a little scavenger hunt through all of Paul's letters to see if we could decipher what his exact thoughts on slavery were based on his comments in these letters. 

*boring? wrong. I LOVE this kind of stuff*

Anyway, we grouped up and looked through the Pauline letters and came up with our ideas. When asked to share what we had come up with I raised my hand and said something like -

Well, based on Paul's very brief and scattered comments, it doesn't seem as though he is concerned with slavery itself. He is more concerned with being the best Christian one could be regardless of circumstances.

- I was sure I nailed it. 

My professor smiles and says, "Carmen that is very insightful, but I call bullshit here. I asked whether or not Paul condoned slavery, and that was not a real answer to my question."

As I reread my entry about dancing with life and death I felt like calling bullshit a little bit. Don't get me wrong, the irony in this situation is almost rosy. I am an eternally obnoxious optimistic person. But if I just left it like I did in that post I'd be ignoring a huge chunk of what this entails. 

It entails a man losing his life. A man who is not yet 50 years old. A man who has two daughters to walk down the aisle. A man who has yet to watch his youngest child graduate from high school. It entails a disease that is painful, ruthless, and fast. It entails drugs that make his body toxic and come with their own host of side effects. It entails a man who has selflessly stood in my corner when nobody else was standing there. 

He is losing his life, and it makes me pretty sad. Sure there is a message here about life and death, and sure he will certainly be in a better place when it's all over. But at the end of the day, I am sad that he won't be a phone call away. I'm sad that truck-butt won't ever carry the same laughter, but instead a pang of sadness. I'm sad that I'll have to teach the boys about participating in the dinner experience myself, because he certainly is he one to learn from. I'm sad that his story is ending too soon. 

For the record, Paul was convinced that the world was ending like tomorrow and was more concerned about living for Jesus than the political ramifications of slavery. It is because of this, that whatever arguments the North and South found were taken completely out of context and should have been considered void in a court of law. 

Also, 9 weeks pregnant tomorrow. Bunny will be the size of an olive. Big steps here, folks. 

about caring.

I think the above photo is adorable and would look great in my house. It's something that I'll consider crafting, but I'll end up buying something like it a Hobby Lobby already made. I don't feel that guilty, because really a girl can only do so much.

All is good here. Bunny gave us a scare at our appointment last week by hiding out during the ultrasound. My favorite ultrasound lady and I were both close to tears when we found the little bugger with a beautiful beating heart. sigh.of.relief. 

I am feeling good some days and sick some days. Sometimes both in the same day. Our Easter holiday was lovely. I love love love weekends, there is such a fun air on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. It's so nice having Yosi home, sleeping in (until 7:30!), lounging with the guys, and spending time outside. I just love the feeling of those days. 

Add in a holiday and I'm in heaven. We had a fun morning finding Easter eggs outside, a nice lunch at home, and dinner with my in-laws. It was a great day.

I worked a bit this weekend, and people at work always have a lot of questions about the surrogacy. I really don't mind answering questions - I'd rather have people ask than speculate. That being said, there are questions I like more than others. One I don't particularly love (but get asked quite often) is -

"Don't you think you'll get attached to the baby and want to keep it?"

This one is hard to answer because I either sound completely heartless, or semi-unstable. 

The answer is a resounding no.

I don't want this baby at all. If I wanted another baby for myself, I would have made one with my husband - it's a lot easier. I am over the baby thing. Our sons are 3 and 5 and the very thought of having a newborn in the house again makes me want to cry. Not happy tears. We have two children, and that is the exact number we wanted. We don't need third row seating in our vehicles, we don't need the big tables when we go out to eat, and when radio stations give away vacations it's usually for a family of four. Perfect. 

Now, that does not mean I'm not attached to this baby whatsoever. That is simply not realistic. I absolutely care for this baby, I am protective of her well-being and I want nothing but the best for this little one. I am thrilled to be taking care of Bunny for right now, but she already has a Mom and Dad that love her dearly. 

To summarize, I do care for the baby, but not in a motherly way. I'm not attached in a sense where I want to take the baby home, but rather in a way that I am honored and excited to provide Bunny with a temporary home until she's ready for her Mom and Dad. I don't look at it as giving the baby away (another thing I hear a lot), to me, it's giving the baby back where she has belonged all along. 

**For the sake of readability, in this post I referred to Bunny as a girl. We do not know the gender of the baby.**

Until next time,

Carmen