the dance we do.

I am so excited to say that Jack and Jill are expecting one healthy little bun! The bun is officially named Bunny. Okay so that's only what I'm calling the little one, but still. Cute, right? Last week Jill flew to town and we spent a lovely weekend waiting for our Monday morning appointment to see what was cooking. We got there bright and early and it was such a special appointment to share with Jill. I was overjoyed to see that all was going well with Bunny, but the look on Jill's face as she looked at the ultrasound screen trumped all else. I wish that when people ask why I chose to do this, I could show them the amazement she had in her eyes as she got to take a peek at the baby she has waited her lifetime for. 

I'm feeling tired. I'm taking (and sometimes creating) every nap opportunity that I can find. Going to bed early, and stealing a few more quiet moments through the day. Food and I have a love/hate relationship. In my last post I talked about pie and popsicles... those now make my stomach turn. It's so funny how what I want to eat changes multiple times per day! Other than that I am just reveling in the fact that this worked and Bunny is hopping away in there - already over .5 centimeters long!

In other and much sadder news, a very special family member has recently learned that his cancer has returned. It is now inoperable, and there will not be a cure this time. I talk a bit about him in this post. This news has been devastating to all of us, and lots of times I feel like it can't be real. The cancer can't really be back. It can't really be un-curable. He can't really have to have chemo for the rest of his life. And that life can't really only consist of 6-12 more months. 

How profoundly unfair.

He is young. And has a wife of 30 years. And children who need him. And granddaughters who need to know about mile-marker math.

Profoundly unfair.

I am growing a new life. A longed for, hoped for, dreamed about, planned-for-far-too-long, little tiny life. I am so blessed to be a part of this process with Jack and Jill. At the same time, someone I love so very dearly is fighting for his life. His well-lived, joyful, selfless, going-to-be-far-too-short life is being taken too soon by this terrible cancer. 

It is dance we do with the life we live. Flirting with that fine line of overwhelming delight, and the kind of sorrow that brings you to your knees. It's a beautiful dance, but only in the way that this dance is what keeps life going. Only in the way that this dance is what connects all of us as people. People who love people. People who know what it's like to hear someone you love tell you that they aren't going to win it this time. People who come out on the other side and prove that somehow I will too. This dance we do unites us all, it lies at the very heart of the human condition.  

So it is only fitting that this is the dance I'm doing. Surely enough, true to who I am, I am going to soak it all in. Love that my jeans are snug, my eyes are heavy, and the fact I get to hang out with Bunny until s/he is big enough to go home with Jack and Jill. Cherish the time I do have with my uncle, enjoy the moments and create lasting memories to carry in my heart. And soak in all of the sadness because it's part of this life. 

Take in this dance we do, because it's what makes me human.

Carmen

lately.

life lately

sometimes when you're a surrogate you go a long time without... erm... 'lonely' time with your husband. 

which is fine because most of the time I feel like throwing up anyway.

^not because of my husband, just in general.

but every now and then it's good to surprise him by joining in on his shower. 
no rules against that.

and then your three old barges into the bathroom and drops one of his 'guys' (aka plastic action figure) into the toilet and tries to flush. 

bad for the shower, the teeny speck of romance, and the guy at the bottom of the toilet bowl.

pie is its own food group.

so is ice cold water.

and popsicles - the lime ones. 

that's about it. 

went for a nice long walk with the little guys today, and thought I smelled a hint of spring.

hopefully by the time it rolls around I'll find enough energy to enjoy it.

also, my favorite jeans are snug.

until next time,

Carmen

bright souls.

Yesterday, a bright soul I went to high school with lost her battle with cancer. She will be missed by many, and her memory will carried on in the rainbows. She was a special lady, and I was lucky to have known her. 

After the boys went to bed, I spent some time cruising the internet and seemed to find sadness. As I was checking out Bernadette's blog, a link there led to me Brooke's blog where I spent at least an hour crying reading her story of loss, grief, and living. I laid in bed last night and just couldn't wrap my head around why some people just pass too soon. 

I rolled around. I tossed and turned. I snugged on to the sleeping Yosi. I just kept waiting for him to say something that would make me feel less sad for these Mamas who have endured things I would hate to even think of. I even tried racking my brain for exactly what I would want to hear to make it all seem ok... But I don't think there is anything at all. Sometimes there are question that don't have answers and things that just won't make sense - like loosing bright souls far too soon. 

I checked back at Bernadette's tonight and with much sadness read that her Superhero is resting with the Big Guy now.

If you are a person who prays, maybe you can join me in sending prayers, love, and warmth to Bernadette, Duane, the Princess, and their families as they mourn the loss of their Superhero - a bright soul taken too soon. Maybe we can also pray together for the family of my highschool friend, as I'm sure they are missing their girl terribly. While we're at it, lets just pray a collective prayer for those living with grief - a prayer that they may find healing and hope again soon. 

Until next time,
Carmen

oh, and I'm pregnant.

Sometimes when you're a surrogate you get to send emails that make dreams come true.

I had the joy of sending the above photo to Jill last week, and hearing her voice on the other end of the phone after she opened the email was priceless. 

For those of you who speak IVF: We transferred two 5day B blasts on 2/19. Lining was 12.8, triple striped, and perfect. My beta hcg at 10dp5dt was 292, and at 13dp5dt (today) was 1436 with a doubling time of 31.33 hours. Wow and awesome. 

For the rest of the world who speaks English: On the 19th Jill and I enjoyed a day full of appointments. We had a 9:30 acupuncture appointment before the transfer. My acupuncturist (Candace) very was nice and things were pretty similar to the acupuncture that I'd been having for the past month. Except that this time I got to experience electrostimulation. Sounds scary right? It was only slightly scary, and only for a second. Candace placed the needles and then hooked up these tiny wires to the ones in my belly. The wires were connected to a control box and once everything was hooked up Candace turned on the the electricity. It was weird, but not painful. It felt like tapping and then after five minutes did not feel like anything at all. I laid there for twenty minutes and then we were off to the next appointment. 

We made it to the RE's office with plenty of time to spare, which was not like us at all (more on that later). We were called back and got changed into the fashionable sterile garb. Booties, hats, the whole nine yards. Then we waited in a chilly little room until we headed back to the transfer room. I'll spare you the details of the actual procedure, but it's a lot like your yearly pap. Not painful, but the necessary full bladder makes it a little more uncomfortable than usual. It's quick though. Which is almost funny - all of the prep work, the months of pills, and shots, and looking back we waited for medical exams, psych clearance, and the legal legwork. Lots of steps that take lots of time working up to a procedure that takes about 3.3 minutes. After that the (amazing!) nurses wheeled me back to the chilly little room and Jill and I sat there for about an hour (Jill sat, I laid still). 

After the transfer we headed back to the acupuncturist. It is said to be beneficial to have a session both before and after. The after appointment was so relaxing I fell asleep on the table with all of the needles in my skin. No electricity this time, just the normal 20+ needles placed all over. So relaxing (seriously). 

After all of our appointments Jill and I spent the next couple of days being the most boring people in the world. I say that with a smile because it's something that we joked about as we sat on the couch watching cooking shows for three days. While it was tough being away from my guys for almost a week, it was a wonderful time with Jill and great downtime for the embryo(s) to settle in. 

So here we are, definitely pregnant. 4 weeks and 4 days to be exact. Not that anyone is counting. Except everyone is counting. On Friday, I had my first official blood test to confirm the good news. The RE wants the pregnancy hormone reading above 12, and my reading was 292. I went back today for another test. The RE wants to see that the original number doubled within 48-72 hours. My number today was 1436, which gave us a doubling time of 31 hours. Even better. 

Things look to be going very well. I am ecstatic, and Jack and Jill are completely over the moon. We have an ultrasound scheduled in a few weeks to make sure everything looks good and to check out just how many babies are in there. We transferred two so there is a possibility that both decided to hang around. It's also possible that just one decided to settle in. According to the betabase my numbers are on the high side for a singleton, and in the middle for twins... And after obsessing for the past four days I have come to the conclusion that no amount of obsessing is going to tell me how many are in my uterus right now. Only the ultrasound will, and until then I must stop looking at the betabase (the sole fact that this thing exists proves that I am not the only woman out there who has ever obsessed over these numbers).

How do I feel? Elated and nauseous and exhausted. Which is perfect for the time being. 

Until next time,
Carmen