wife: verb

I have never spent Valentines Day alone. Not once. Or the holidays either. Never have I been lonely during the most wonderful time of the year. I have always had somebody to watch fireworks with in July. I have never really been alone. Not in the sense that we usually understand the word anyway. I went straight from my mom's house as a child, to my husband's house.. our house. 

Some people balk at that.. say this or that about being independent, or learning who you are. Fact is: I look at relationships a lot differently than some folks. Independent? Sure, but in a way that is respectful to my role as a wife. Do I know who I am? Well to me, there is not and will not be a static answer. It's dynamic and evolving, but part of this answer is my role as a wife. And that is perfect by me. I am who I am... and part of that is a married woman. And that is OK. 

So that's kind of how I look at that... and I preface this post with it because you might choose to move onto something else. And it won't hurt my feelings. Some friends say that I'm not a good candidate to give relationship advice. They reason that this is because I have never been single in the 'real world'.. I don't know what most men are like... My relationship is so picture perfect that I could simply not have a helpful perspective. This is so false! So so so so false.  

End of preface.

So at work this week the ladies and I were discussing our husbands. I joked about how Yosi sometimes will forget to take the garbage out on Tuesday mornings. I laughed about it and said that if the garbage buildup was my biggest issue I think I have a pretty good fella. This is when one of the ladies asked if I thought that he was my soul mate.

long pause...

No.

I don't believe in soul mates. I'm such a romantic it even shocked me that this was my response! I don't think that you are made for one person and that when you find them you live happily ever after. I don't believe that once you find that magical other being that your life together glows with ruffles and rainbows. That is not how I understand love anyway. 

To me, marriage is a verb. Being married is not like being a Gemini. It is not something you are, it is something you do. I wake up everyday and choose to be (active verb) a wife. It is a constant choice in actions, words, and thoughts. What can I do for my spouse today? How can I encourage him today? How can I show him that I love him even though I'm going to be gone at school all day?

Fluffy right? Glowy almost. Except it comes from a place that is quite dim. It has not always been like this at our home. There was a very serious time when I didn't know about being a wife. I knew the wife I wanted to be but I thought that the title of wife was failing me! I thought that I had taken those vows and now we were both going to change into these grown up people who lived happily ever after because we now had the titles that made marriage happen. Little did I know that just because you can put a "Mrs." in front of your name, that "Mrs." is not going to make your marriage work. You have to. 

I hit wife rock bottom. I saw what was wrong, and I set out to fix it. And for the past couple of years I have dug my way right on out of there and started to build things the way I wanted them. 

Now clearly none of this works if you don't have the guy that's worth doing the work. Lucky for me, I've got one of the good ones. I'll never ever ever deny that. That being said, it works because we work for it. 

Extra garbage in the garage? Yes. Soul mate? No. 

Worth effort of being (active verb) a wife to this guy I love? Absolutely. Every. Day. 

PS: When you've got a good one, they see that you have stepped up your game and they do the same. Men are competitive creatures. 

Until next time,

Carmen