wife: verb

I have never spent Valentines Day alone. Not once. Or the holidays either. Never have I been lonely during the most wonderful time of the year. I have always had somebody to watch fireworks with in July. I have never really been alone. Not in the sense that we usually understand the word anyway. I went straight from my mom's house as a child, to my husband's house.. our house. 

Some people balk at that.. say this or that about being independent, or learning who you are. Fact is: I look at relationships a lot differently than some folks. Independent? Sure, but in a way that is respectful to my role as a wife. Do I know who I am? Well to me, there is not and will not be a static answer. It's dynamic and evolving, but part of this answer is my role as a wife. And that is perfect by me. I am who I am... and part of that is a married woman. And that is OK. 

So that's kind of how I look at that... and I preface this post with it because you might choose to move onto something else. And it won't hurt my feelings. Some friends say that I'm not a good candidate to give relationship advice. They reason that this is because I have never been single in the 'real world'.. I don't know what most men are like... My relationship is so picture perfect that I could simply not have a helpful perspective. This is so false! So so so so false.  

End of preface.

So at work this week the ladies and I were discussing our husbands. I joked about how Yosi sometimes will forget to take the garbage out on Tuesday mornings. I laughed about it and said that if the garbage buildup was my biggest issue I think I have a pretty good fella. This is when one of the ladies asked if I thought that he was my soul mate.

long pause...

No.

I don't believe in soul mates. I'm such a romantic it even shocked me that this was my response! I don't think that you are made for one person and that when you find them you live happily ever after. I don't believe that once you find that magical other being that your life together glows with ruffles and rainbows. That is not how I understand love anyway. 

To me, marriage is a verb. Being married is not like being a Gemini. It is not something you are, it is something you do. I wake up everyday and choose to be (active verb) a wife. It is a constant choice in actions, words, and thoughts. What can I do for my spouse today? How can I encourage him today? How can I show him that I love him even though I'm going to be gone at school all day?

Fluffy right? Glowy almost. Except it comes from a place that is quite dim. It has not always been like this at our home. There was a very serious time when I didn't know about being a wife. I knew the wife I wanted to be but I thought that the title of wife was failing me! I thought that I had taken those vows and now we were both going to change into these grown up people who lived happily ever after because we now had the titles that made marriage happen. Little did I know that just because you can put a "Mrs." in front of your name, that "Mrs." is not going to make your marriage work. You have to. 

I hit wife rock bottom. I saw what was wrong, and I set out to fix it. And for the past couple of years I have dug my way right on out of there and started to build things the way I wanted them. 

Now clearly none of this works if you don't have the guy that's worth doing the work. Lucky for me, I've got one of the good ones. I'll never ever ever deny that. That being said, it works because we work for it. 

Extra garbage in the garage? Yes. Soul mate? No. 

Worth effort of being (active verb) a wife to this guy I love? Absolutely. Every. Day. 

PS: When you've got a good one, they see that you have stepped up your game and they do the same. Men are competitive creatures. 

Until next time,

Carmen

thirtyfive needles.

Surprise! I have not completely abandoned the blog. 

Sometimes when you're a surrogate you get to try new things. Like getting needles placed every so carefully all over your body.

The baby growing plans are back in full swing. Things are finally back on track and we'll all gearing up for another shot at making this work. In order to up the chance of success we're trying new stuff, like acupuncture. I'll let you look up all of the good information about the specifics, but the quick rundown goes as follows:

Having acupuncture done weekly a month before the transfer is awesome for the uterus and can dramatically improve the odds of success. In addition to the four weekly treatments, it is advised to have two sessions the day of transfer - one before and one after. 

So today I had my first one! I've had lots of people ask how it went, and the only thing I can think to say is: weird! I am all for alternative medicine, it is right up my alley. I love this kind of 'east-meets-west' practice. I went into the appointment with a ton of excitement, and I certainly was not disappointed! My experience was awesome. Awesome and weird. 

Was it painful? No. Painful is not the right word. Most I didn't even notice, some just felt sharp, and then the only thing I can think to describe other ones is it felt like I was hitting my funny bone. 

What did it entail? Because it was my first appointment I had an hour long intake interview where I was asked a lot of lifestyle type questions. This case I'm sure is a little different than lots of other appointments because we were not treating a specific pain or problem... more like supporting the energy channels. After that I changed into some sweats that they so kindly provided (attn: not a good day for skinnies) and got settled on the table. Randy (the fantastic acupuncturist) then came in and got my arms propped up on some neat pillows and put a nice warm blanket around my bare feet and then another one up on  my torso (my shirt was pulled up a couple of inches above my belly button for the needles) so I'd stay warm through the treatment. 

Then he started at my feet and worked upwards. I had three needles in each foot, and three in each leg (the leg ones felt the weirdest!!). Then he came up to my arms and put two in each hand, and three in each arm. Then he put about six in my tummy, five on the crown of my head, and one in each ear. I had needles everywhere! After all of the needles were placed he made his way around and tweaked them all a little... this might have been my least favorite part. Again, it didn't hurt, but it was a really odd feeling. Thankfully it was short lived and then he let me lay with the soft music and lights for a while to relax. I thought it would be harder to relax just knowing that I had needles everywhere, but those little guys must have been doing their job because I just laid completely still (body and mind) until he came back to take them all out (which I couldn't feel at all).

What did it feel like after? Randy said to expect to feel spacey, relaxed, and  maybe energized... At first I felt normal, then I got in the car and the rest of it made sense. I was just in a mood where I could close my eyes and leave them that way for a while. I wasn't necessarily tired, just content to sit with my eyes closed. Luckily, I had Yos to drive me home. 

We drove home and picked up my brand new box of medication!! It feels really real that we're starting all over again. Instead of feeling discouraged at the second attempt, I am feeling really positive and hopeful about it. I think (hope!) Jack and Jill are feeling the same way. I'll admit that I am a nervous nelly. I try to worry things the right way. It's like somewhere in my subconscious I feel as though I can worry my uterus into perfect condition. I can worry those little embryos right into a baby or two. Realistically I know this is false, and this time around I am leaving anxiety where it belongs... Outside of the realm of my thinking. It will be better for me, and it will make a better environment for the little embryo(s) to grow and thrive. 

Things are getting exciting around these parts and I promise to be better at stopping by to tell you all what's up. On a non-surro note, my baby turns three on Tuesday... so bittersweet.

Until next time,

Carmen

twenty thirteen.

What a year it was. We loved you 2012. It was a lovely year. Ups and downs? Sure, but overall it was a sunny season in this house. 

I have high expectations for 2013. Between the boys getting older, Yosi and I growing (even closer!) together, and making personal growth a top priority, it will be a busy 365. 

To fit in, I made some resolutions for the year. I complied a handy list to keep them straight. 

Here are some of the ideas I came up with: (not in any particular order)

*run 1000 miles

*read some great books

*keep in my pursuit of being a Godly wife

*be in bed by time that starts with 10 and out of bed at a time that starts with 6 at least 5 days a week. 

*make it a point to honor the individuality of each of my sons.

I also decided it would be fun (my own kind of warped sense of fun) to make up a family resolution for the year. So for the year of 2013 our household resolution is - Live Intentionally.

I spent a lot of time thinking on and choosing the perfect thing for our family. I ultimately chose live intentionally because I think it is something that is really relevant, both in our house and out in the world. It can be so easy just to go through the motions of the day. Especially when life consists of being busy! Gosh I have about a gazillion - no joke- things to do in any given day. Sometimes it feels as though the easiest way to do it all is to power through. Just do what needs to be done in order to get from point A to point B. 

I firmly believe that precious life is lost in the shuffle. Somewhere between making breakfast and doing dishes after supper things happen! There are moments that have an impact, but are easily swept away by the business. There are opportunities to make the day bright and meaningful, but these moments are easily overlooked in order to get ahead. I want to us all to soak in all of this human experience. Love it all up. Revel in it, if you will. In order not to miss anything, I have decided that the best way to go about this year is to live intentionally.

Until next time,
Carmen

flu.

I think this is really interesting. I love thoughts from Lao Tzu and this is no different. 

I have been cooking up a wonderful New Years post because we all now how much I love the sense of renewal. Right?

What's the delay you ask. The flu. The flu is the delay. Nolan was sick for about 24 hours in the middle of the week, Christian woke up with it this morning, and it came back to Nolan this afternoon. 

It's been a long couple of days in this house. 

I'll get right back to you with the New Years post. Just as soon my boys are well and I no longer feel like a walking zombie. 

Until then,

Carmen