heavy heart.

Sometimes when you're a surrogate you sit and feel sad.

There has been a timing discrepancy.

All of us here were thinking this was the time for those beautiful embryos to stick around and grow into a healthy baby (or two).

However, this was not the case.

The transfer was unsuccessful, and I am not pregnant.

My heart is quite sad about this. There is so much preparation that goes into a single IVF cycle, that sometimes it's easy to forget that there is no guaranteed happy outcome. We all knew that of course there was a possibility that an embryo wouldn't stick around, but it does make it any easier to hear that the cycle did not work.

I am sad for Jack and Jill. We are so much a team in all of this process, I am incredibly blessed to be in the position to help such a wonderful couple. My uterus just needs to get the memo to hop on the bandwagon.

The reproductive endocrinologist (say that ten times fast) said something that I love. It really brought me back to faith in such a disappointing situation. It went something like 'We do the best we can. We prepare the uterus and grade the embryos. We take all of the 'right' steps. But ultimately, it's not up to us.'

That made the negative results today a little bit easier to digest. Jack and Jill have been great too. I know that their hearts are heavy tonight, and while there is not anything I can do or say to make it better, I am praying for them. The kind of relationship we have is quite unique. Jill and I always joke that there is no Hallmark card for our occasion. There really are no words to adequately convey the special bond we all have. Similarly, there is really no way to describe the sorrow I feel for them tonight.

Moral of the story - I'm not pregnant. I am leaning on faith to make it ok. But, it's still crappy. I am being sad tonight with a glass of wine and I'm going to wake up to a cup of coffee (two things that I've been skipping out on for a while). In the morning I plan to wake up and brush off the 'down' of today and start looking up.

This adventure is not over.

We're aiming for another cycle soon. A successful one at that. I plan on having the best looking uterus in town, and it's going to hang on to the next embryo. Hang on real tight.

Until next time,
Carmen

PS - my biggest little guy turns five tomorrow. not sure where those years went.. but I'll be back soon with pictures of the celebration.