this is what fall looks like around these parts.

 

we go through the corn maze at the pumpkin patch.

 

glowing pumpkins.

 

we eat lots of birthday cake.

 

we dress up as skeletons

 

and the organs too.

 

we pretty much just have a lot of fun.

 

 

Happy Halloween,

Carmen

 

 

 

 



on faith and kale.

Feeling sappy tonight. So much to be thankful for. Still stung with the disappointment of the negative IVF cycle, but I'm feeling optimistic about moving forward. I feel as though we've experienced the disappointment, so this next time has just got to bring success. Right?

I've been busy this week with midterm season at school. Unfortunately, my mind does not want to think about psychology or algebra. My mind is spending time in the clouds thinking about the Big Guy who lives up there. I've come a long way in my faith, but I've got this feeling that I'm called to go further. I'm just not exactly sure what that means. Time will tell. And by 'time' I mean God.

Anyhow, over the weekend we celebrated Christian's fifth birthday. A great time was had by all. The next post will contain details and adorable photos.

Oh and I'm going to do a juice fast. Five days of nothing but fresh juice. It's going to be a blast, and I'm going to enlighten you all with every glorious detail in a five day series coming up soon. Hope you love kale as much as I do.

Until then,
Carmen



heavy heart.

Sometimes when you're a surrogate you sit and feel sad.

There has been a timing discrepancy.

All of us here were thinking this was the time for those beautiful embryos to stick around and grow into a healthy baby (or two).

However, this was not the case.

The transfer was unsuccessful, and I am not pregnant.

My heart is quite sad about this. There is so much preparation that goes into a single IVF cycle, that sometimes it's easy to forget that there is no guaranteed happy outcome. We all knew that of course there was a possibility that an embryo wouldn't stick around, but it does make it any easier to hear that the cycle did not work.

I am sad for Jack and Jill. We are so much a team in all of this process, I am incredibly blessed to be in the position to help such a wonderful couple. My uterus just needs to get the memo to hop on the bandwagon.

The reproductive endocrinologist (say that ten times fast) said something that I love. It really brought me back to faith in such a disappointing situation. It went something like 'We do the best we can. We prepare the uterus and grade the embryos. We take all of the 'right' steps. But ultimately, it's not up to us.'

That made the negative results today a little bit easier to digest. Jack and Jill have been great too. I know that their hearts are heavy tonight, and while there is not anything I can do or say to make it better, I am praying for them. The kind of relationship we have is quite unique. Jill and I always joke that there is no Hallmark card for our occasion. There really are no words to adequately convey the special bond we all have. Similarly, there is really no way to describe the sorrow I feel for them tonight.

Moral of the story - I'm not pregnant. I am leaning on faith to make it ok. But, it's still crappy. I am being sad tonight with a glass of wine and I'm going to wake up to a cup of coffee (two things that I've been skipping out on for a while). In the morning I plan to wake up and brush off the 'down' of today and start looking up.

This adventure is not over.

We're aiming for another cycle soon. A successful one at that. I plan on having the best looking uterus in town, and it's going to hang on to the next embryo. Hang on real tight.

Until next time,
Carmen

PS - my biggest little guy turns five tomorrow. not sure where those years went.. but I'll be back soon with pictures of the celebration.



nyc

Sometimes when you're a surrogate you get to go to New York City.

 which means flying far away..

 

which inevitably means entertaining yourself on the plane

 

but then you get to go over the George Washington Bridge

 

and you get to see the One World Trade Center being built

aka the new world trade center

 

and you get to go to Central Park

 

and you go to the most magical looking toy store ever

 

and you see Rockefeller Center

 

and you sit in traffic. In Time Square.

 

Most importantly you get to wear a funny hat at the fertility clinic for the embryo transfer.

 

Everything went perfectly. Will update more soon.

 

Until next time,
Carmen

 



supported.

 

I sincerely believe that humans survive best when surrounded by a network of people who love them. God has placed me in the most wonderful network of people who love me so.

 

I am embarking on a huge adventure, and it's kind of gutsy to do stuff like that. I'm a strong gal, sure. But every now and then everyone needs a little reassurance. Luckily, I've got that coming in from all directions these days. How blessed I am.

 

A couple of friends need a shout out.

 

Yosi. There's not a lot I can say, simply because your love leaves me speechless. Thanks for being wonderful, even though I know it comes naturally. Thanks for supporting all of my gutsy ideas. Thanks for winking at me even when I feel puffy. Oh, and you're the best dad I know.

 

Mom. You have always been there to cheer me on and it does not go unnoticed. I appreciate all of your help; both with the boys, and on the phone in the afternoons. I am incredibly lucky that we not only have a fantastic mother/daughter relationship - but also a wonderful friendship. We will (hopefully) have to switch to decaf soon, but I will forever cherish our coffee dates. Thank you.

 

MotherInLaw. I admire you, and the home you run. Thank you for feeding my husband when I'm busy and when he wants meals I cannot pronounce. Also, thank you a lot for putting up with my whining on the nights where you so kindly give me those estrogen shots. *for the record: the needles are giant. 

There are more of you (you know who you are!), and love you all. I am so lucky to be surrounded by some of the finest individuals around. I appreciate all of your support, encouragement, and love.

 

Until next time,

Carmen

friendly question askers.

 

the post has a lot to do with this one.

 

 

friendly question asker - Carmen, why on Earth would you decide to be a gestational carrier?

 

me - (standard answer) Well a couple of years ago I read about surrogacy in an article and Glamour magazine and I thought it was pretty awesome. I waited until the time was right, and after many discussions with Yos, we decided to move forward pursuing it.

 

90% of friendly question askers - Hmm. So what all do you have to do?

 

other 10% - Ok. But.. why, though?

 

Today we're going to talk about the answer for the other 10%.

 

This is a tough one to answer, simply because it is such a loaded question. I'll do my best, but it will probably involve a bunch of rambling mixed in.

 

The love a mother has for her child is unlike any other love in the world. Children are a blessing from God, in the most absolute sense of the word possible. To want to experience that kind of love, and not be able to go about making it the traditional way is something I know nothing about.

 

It is quite the understatement to say that Yos and I have no trouble conceiving. When I first read that article in Glamour, I started digging around and I was shocked by how many couples struggle with infertility. When I sat and thought about all of these women (and men) whose hearts were desperately wanting to love children something lit up in me.

 

I knew I could help. And here I am.

 

Hold up. Adoption?

 

People usually don't turn to gestational surrogacy on a whim. When on the journey from infertility to parenthood there are a few different paths to choose from. That choice is highly personal and individualized to the couple at hand. Folks want to know why Jack and Jill (and intended parents as a whole) don't adopt instead. This to me is odd, because not one person has ever walked up to me and asked why I decided to have biological children instead of adopting. Not a single one.

 

It would be a lie to tell you that the only reason I wanted to be gestational carrier was because it would be impossibly difficult to want children and not be able to have any the traditional way. I love being pregnant. Love it. I have been pretty lucky so far to have a pretty easy time being pregnant. I'm good at it. I enjoy feeling exhausted and losing sight of my feet. not sarcasm. The sense of joy, the appreciation for my own ability, and the fun little baby jabs make it a wonderful experience.

 

The way I see it, it's a win-win. I get to enjoy a pregnancy, and at the end Jack and Jill will have a beautiful addition to their family.

 

Wait. Don't you already have a lot going on?

Yes I do. I love it. Yosi and I thought long and hard about this carrier thing, and the timing couldn't be better. I have this simple understanding of life in general : it's temporary. I want to make sure that while I'm here I live as passionately and fully as possible. If I had to say right now, I think I'm doing pretty good so far.

 

Until next time,

Carmen