a big deal in my pocket.

Sometimes when you're a surrogate, you have the baby and go back to your regular life and everyone forgets that you were a surrogate.

So, my semester started this week and I'm in classes with absolutely nobody that I know. This is fine, I'm only kind of socially awkward and for the most part it's not a big deal. I was just thinking today as I was sitting in a classroom full of strangers that not a single one of them knows I was just pregnant a few months back. Not one of them knows that I made a whole new family!

Well, of course they don't.

But it's really something, and it's really weird. I just spent over a year of my life attempting to get pregnant and then growing Bunny for Jack and Jill. Then I went through twelve hours of natural labor to bring this little baby into the world and watch as these people I came to love become parents. It's pretty profound, friends. After Bunny was born and I went back to school clearly not pregnant, people asked about it. How did it go? When was Bunny born? What was it like? How are you doing? Which was slightly annoying, but it was really fantastic to tell people how awesome it was.

Now, I'm in classes with strangers and nobody knows. It's been a few months and even the people I do know mostly don't ask about it anymore. I mean, why would they really? It's just so odd to have just been through one of the most profound experiences of ever and now I go about my day and nobody else has any idea about how awesome it was. I think this is a surro thing.

I want to shout it from the rooftops that I did this awesome thing, and I seriously couldn't be more proud of myself, or more ecstatic for this new family I had a part in creating. I want to tell the cashier at Walmart (who saw me many times when pregnant and now sees me not pregnant with no baby in my cart) that I was a surrogate and it was fantastic. I want to tell my hot yoga instructor my tummy is jiggly and my form is (really) rusty because I just had a baby for the most amazing family and they are all doing well. I want to tell the new girl at work that I just got back from some time off because I just delivered a baby as a surrogate. But I don't, because it's not relevant to them, only to me.

While that statement could seem all 'woe is me', I see it as completely the opposite. I see my surrogacy adventure as an incredible highlight in my story. And no matter how much time goes by it's always going to be part of my story. How awesome is that?!

I can just see it now; one day I'll be engaged in a conversation with a classmate about the east coast or how awesome science is and it'll come up that I was a surrogate, then I'll get to talk about how amazing and life changing the whole thing was, and then I'll take that part of my story and tuck it back away and save it for the next time it comes up. It's always going to be a huge deal in my story, a huge deal that I get to carry with me forever. Like a love note tucked away in a pocket, this chapter of my story is kept safely in my heart. It's not worn on my sleeve, but that doesn't mean it's far away. It's just this big huge deal, tucked away in my pocket.

Until next time,
Carmen

report cards, being four, and other stuff.

Wow, I can't believe this month is already halfway over! One of my New Year's resolutions this year is to be a consistent (and consistently awesome) blogger... Let's file that under "I'm working on it".

So Christian is back in the school swing. We just received his report card and I am mighty proud of that young fellow. He's amazing and his kindergarten report card reflects his amazingness. After we sat and looked at it, Yosi promptly went over and hung the report card on the fridge. You could say he's a proud dad.

Nolan is being awesome at being three. But, he turns four NEXT WEEK. Sigh. How does that even happen? My baby is going to be four. Part of me is completely ecstatic, the other part is grief stricken.  They even out to a sort of "wow, where did the time go? thank goodness we don't have to deal with three ever again". Three year olds are not rational people. While they are adorable, hilarious, and over-flowingly full of laughter, you cannot yet reason with these folks.

I'm working on not looking like I just had a baby. Even though I did. I don't know why us women do that to ourselves. I mean, talk about unreasonable. But I'm not being all intense and cranky about it because that's not useful, needed, or fun. I am just doing things I should be doing anyway like eating good, real food, and using my body in active and meaningful ways. By mindfully treating my body well, it will treat me well in return.

Until next time,
Carmen

christmas vacation.

Guys, Christmas vacation is not as fun when you're a parent.

Christian goes back to school tomorrow and my day will be spent tending to my disaster zone house.

Messes aside, it's been pretty fun. It's been nice being lazy in the morning and drinking my coffee while still in my jammies opposed to in the car. It's been fun baking cookies, and eating cookies, and sometimes eating real food too. Not often though. We've also spent countless hours playing with playdo, having uno tournaments, and getting competitive over board games. It has had some definite highlights, and these boys of mine kind of are hilarious.

It's been kind of fun and kind of not. Both kids home mean that at least a part of the day will include bickering, and arguing, and fighting over two of the exact same guys. It doesn't help that I'm on break too. Meaning I have no homework, no projects, no reading assignments, nothing. It's feels gloriously free for the first couple of days and then it gets ridiculously boring.

here is what I've found to do:

organize my basement

go through ALL closets and donate all clothes that aren't worn anymore

finally start on my gallery wall

organize and print out a years worth of photos

read two books (one on the booklist for my spring semester, and one for fun)

cleaned my carpets

Now, most of these things needed done anyway, so it's not at all a bad thing that I've finally found time to get them  done. BUT, it feels pretty weird not to be working on anything school-y. That will all change in a short week when I'll be overwhelmed once again with homework and reading assignments. A girl just can't win. 

Until next time,

Carmen

2013

2013

This year has been filled with so much life.

I've been blessed exponentially with joy and health.

My husband told me the other night that this has been "our best year yet". 

Our sons are beautiful and healthy and brilliant.

I have cherished time with family and friends.

I have learned more both in school and in life (mostly life) than I ever could have imagined. 

My surrogacy adventure has opened my eyes and my heart in ways that words cannot describe.

Life in this house has never been filled with more laughter.

It's been a fantastic year.

I can't wait to see what 2014 holds.

Happy New Year,

Carmen

being merry.

what a joyous holiday we've had. 

hope you have too.

Merry Christmas,

Carmen

final appointment.

I had my six-week postpartum check up today. All went well. When I went to leave I asked my doctor when to come back and she said, "Not for a year!". And then we both stood there for a second almost in disbelief. I've been hanging out at the doctor's office at least a couple times a month for the past 16 months or so and it was so odd to think that I didn't have to come back until next December.

We shared a great big hug and I thanked her for taking such great care of me, and she thanked me for letting her be a part of something so much bigger than she'd seen before.  

It was quite something today to walk out of the office with no two-week follow up appointment. 

I truly found a fantastic physician when embarking on this adventure. I knew I needed to find someone who was completely supportive of the surrogacy, but more importantly, completely supportive of  me and my well-being. And I did just that. I found a doctor who went out of her way to work with a clinic across the country in preparation for the IVF. She not only took care of me and Bunny, but she took care of Jack and Jill too. She had like four patients in one, and she was a complete rockstar the whole way. 

She eased my anxieties (and Jill's too!) about anything pregnancy/baby/labor/delivery/hemorrhage related. She talked to me like a person, not a patient. She's funny, and personable, and just the right amount of sarcastic - when the time called for that. She's also brilliant, and professional, and just the right amount of firm - when the time called for that. She was everything I had hoped for in an OB and even more. 

I am lucky to have had such a fantastic medical experience along with my fantastic surrogacy experience. I mean to have amazing intended parents AND an amazing doctor? Please!

It felt a lot like closing the chapter today - my final appointment. I walked out with a tear and a smile. What a wonderful adventure this has been.

Until next time,

Carmen

life lately.

life lately.

Finals have come and gone. Thank goodness. Feeling super ready for break.

I'd say that the semester was successful, but I'm ready for the next one (after the break of course!).

The boys are ready for break too.

Christian is at the most funnest age ever. Yep. Funnest.

I've just started working out again. Oy. I have zero muscle tone and zero endurance.

Despite of those things it feels good to get back to the gym.

Nolan threw up all over the (carpeted) floor today. Poor thing. And poor carpet.

Baby Bunny, Jack, and Jill are doing well.

Christmas crafts? Yes. Photos to prove my craftiness will be provided soon.

If I hear another person complain about their upcoming birthday/getting older/gray hair I might have to physically place my foot into my mouth.

I'm cooking up my goals for this upcoming year and I can't wait to share them with you! It's going to be a fun year on the blog.

I'm hosting my holiday meal on the 23rd this year. I can't for the life of me decide what to make. I'm running out of time guys.

I may or may not be really great at procrastinating. This is sometimes a good attribute. Other times.. not great.

Until next time,

Carmen