I'm still here.

We've had a lot of changes around here, but don't think for one second I forgot about you dear blog friends. I've missed you all. In my time away I've grieved some grief, soaked up some sun, laughed with the littles, and bought a house and dog with my dear husband. You know, just normal summer stuff. Here's a photo recap. I'll be back soon to fill in the blanks. 

^ this is Lincoln. he has stolen all of our heats with his wee wrinkly grin.

^ this is our fist selfie has homeowners.... two minutes of homeownership and grinning like fools.

^ this is our new home.

^ this is a dream come true.  though the picture quality is poor, this photo is everything I've been waiting for. 

Be back soon,

Carmen

the things I would have said.

I didn't write the eulogy, but if I had.....

I've thought about this for the last month since my uncle died. I've thought about which words I might use to talk about his life and his death, and about which stories I might tell that do the best job of telling the true story of who he was.

I've written and erased, and typed and deleted, before I realized that I was being completely ridiculous.

I was making entirely too difficult something which, in fact, is quite simple.

This is what I would have said:

He showed up.

As a friend he showed up, always ready to party like a rockstar. Or help you move. Or celebrate a Vikings win (or strategize for the next game, when they'll certainly win).

He showed up in his career, day after day. Project after project.

He showed up for his family. For his wife - for nearly 30 years, a marriage filled with love, laughter, grace... and some more laughter. I learned from him and Jackie what that looks like, and it's beautiful.

Wonderful stuff, right? A beautiful life... But we're all still waiting.

[here I would pause and look up and around the full-to-the-brim church]

These are all honorable ways to be remembered - but none of these descriptions quite capture how you will carry his memory do they?

I bet you will remember how he showed up for you when you needed him.

I'm guessing he showed up for you when you needed a friend. Or maybe he showed up to watch you play football, or to watch you cheer, or maybe a swim meet, or dance recital? That who he was - he showed up, usually with great energy, or a great idea, or just the right thing to say to shine light on a tricky situation.

Or maybe not.

Maybe he had empty arms and nothing to say. But you know what?

He still showed up - with a hug as big as his presence.

But you all know this already, that's why we're all here today. We are here today to show up for Dave, one last time, just like he has shown up for all of us.

I'm heartbroken that his life has ended. I'm sad for myself, and for Jackie, and for his children, and granddaughters, and all who loved him. At the end of the day, this church will be empty, we all are going to leave here today and be sad about saying goodbye to someone we love. We'll walk away, and grieve our grief, and live our lives. And time will pass and the sorrow will dull to a fine ache. But that's not the end. Not even a little bit. Every time we show up and are present for the people we love, he'll be there too. That is love, and love is eternal.

"Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes. Because for those who love with heart and soul there is not separation." Rumi

a poem for today.

It's Mother's Day today. It was a lovely day, despite the rainy cold weather. I checked my email after tucking the boys snugly in bed, and I found this in my inbox from Jill:

Carmen,

Something I wanted to share with you...

"The moment a child is born the mother is also born
 she never existed before
 the woman existed but the mother, never
 a mother is something absolutely new..."

-Rajneesh

Thank you Carmen...forever, thank you.

Sometimes you're a surrogate. And sometimes your eyes well up when you realize, again and again, how surrogacy has given you just as much as it has given them.

Happy Mother's Day,
Carmen

sometimes you're a surrogate : what people say part 1

When you're pregnant, there are lots of people who want to talk to you about being pregnant. When you're pregnant with a baby that isn't yours ALL the people want to talk to you about being pregnant. I figured I'd talk about some of the wonderful and wonderfully interesting things I've heard when talking to people about being a surrogate.

The number one thing people say, or have said, is "Won't that be hard to give up/part with/say goodbye to/hand over/go home without the baby?

My simple standard response was something along the lines of, "Not in the way you'd think. The goal of this whole process was to put a baby in the arms of this couple who I care so much about, and I think that will be incredibly exciting."

I do not, and have never, wanted to keep baby Bunny. My pregnancy felt very different, because I did not bond with the baby in my belly like I did with my boys. Before Bunny flew home I loved snuggling, smooching, and cuddling with the squishy little babe, but I loved it even more to watch the new parents swoon over their new addition.

The more complicated answer is, of course it's hard. But still not in the way you'd think. It's hard because I just did the most fantastic thing ever, and now it's over. It's hard because I've grown to know and absolutely love this family, and as it turns out, they live on the other side of the country. It's hard because we all share this amazing, unique bond, we've been through a magnificently long, exciting, intensely emotional process together and when it was over we gave hugs and they boarded a plane home.

The best way I can think to describe the hard part, isn't hard at all, I'd say emotional. It's the single most emotional process I've ever been a part of.  I feel like that word is packed, for me it is anyway, but when I use it here I'm doing so to convey that exact thing. Surrogacy is so packed with emotion, but in the absolute best way I could have imagined.

Competing for the next most common statements would be, "I could never do that!" and "I've always wanted to do that!"

To the friends in the former camp I would usually try to emphasize the scope of the process. Folks tend to oversimplify gestational surrogacy in their heads, but this is simply because they don't know how extensive the matching/legal/psych and medical screening/cycle prep can be. So I elude to how "It's quite a lengthy process to get going, but once the serious busywork is out of the way it's so rewarding."

Often I'm tempted to say, "It's not like I just decided I wanted to be a surrogate and then went and did it." Except, that's exactly what happened. But I want to be sure to talk about the fullness of what the adventure entails, just in case they are serious about investigating a surro journey and honestly want to know more.

To those who say, "Oh, I could never do that!" I usually agree with them with "You know, you're probably right." I'm not attempting to sound pretentious, I swear! I always follow it with a dialogue about how each individual knows themself best and if they don't think they'd would enjoy a surrogacy, that's a-OK. The extensive, emotional, and complex process isn't for everyone, and there is nothing wrong with that.

If you hate pregnancy, you probably won't want to be a surrogate. If you honestly think you
would have a difficult time emotionally, surrogacy probably isn't for you. Admitting that surrogacy isn't a good fit for you is a million times braver than ignoring these things only to realize you were right and really shouldn't have proceeded with a surrogate pregnancy afterall.
     
I'll leave you with a short and simple question that I've gotten three times only. And thank goodness. "So did you have to have sex with someone else?"

Now, I try not to get upset when I've been asked this because obviously these people really don't have

the slightest clue about surrogacy, or they have been terribly misinformed previously. Surrogacy never, ever, involves sex. If someone tells you differently, they are wrong. People operating under this misconception are most often referring to a planned adoption, which is not, in any way whatsoever, the same thing.

On that note, see you all soon!
Carmen

sometimes you're a surrogate. six months later.

Coming up next week will be Bunny's six month birthday. What?!

I can't even believe that it has been half a year already. Let me tell you, it's a strange feeling. There are days when I can't believe it's been six months already, but there are other days where it feels so far removed from my current day-to-day activities that it seems like it has been so much longer. 

I've thought about how I would write this half-year check up, and I've started it multiple times and then erased and restarted. Shockingly, I'm not often short on words, but writing about my surrogacy sometimes leaves me searching for just the right way to say things. There is so much to say, so much to talk about... it often feels too overwhelming to try to pinpoint the experience into words. It feels limiting to even try. But you all know that I'm always up for a good challenge. 

I've decided to to a series here on the blog, to chronicle the journey in retrospect. I did a fairly good job checking in about the pregnancy and delivery, but I thought I'd dig in a little bit and give a fuller picture about the depth of the journey. It only makes sense that I'll call the series Sometimes You're a Surrogate. So those entries will be coming soon, but for today I've got a broad rundown of the six month milestone. 

six months later I am feeling wonderful.

this applies to emotionally and physically.

my energy levels are better than ever and my post-partum complications are long resolved. 

emotionally I am wonderfully content.

my body is returning to its un-pregnant shape, more importantly though, I have an abundance of newly found appreciation for my body and its capabilities.

my relationship with Jack, Jill, and Bunny is so much more than I ever could have expected.
we text often, talk on the phone, and facetime here and there, and I so cherish all three.

life at home with the guys is great, and they love seeing pictures of Bunny and hearing Jack and Jill talk about their new baby.

lately I've had a few experiences when I get to talk about my surrogacy with people who didn't know about it, and it's just as fun as I thought it would be.

as it turns out, I'm enjoying not being pregnant more than I anticipated. don't get me wrong, it was fantastic while it lasted but it is so fun to have my body back to myself.

except I saw a teeeeny tiiiiiny baby at a restaurant when we were having dinner the other night and it kind of made my uterus ache.

but it wasn't anything so serious that a glass of wine couldn't cure it.

during my surrogate pregnancy I frequented an online surrogacy forum, afterwards I still kept up with it fairly often. as of lately though, I have noticed that I don't log on as often as I used to. while not a huge deal, it reminds me that the adventure now lies in the past and I'm continuing to move forward.

the beauty of the adventure permeates into my daily life still, and I think it always will. that being said, moving forward is the tune I'm marching to these days.

what do I mean by this? well, after an endeavor as life-changing as surrogacy, I was so deeply steeped into the journey that it flooded into my daily life, even when it really didn't anymore. that disconnect was odd and it felt funny in my life. as time has elapsed, that disconnect is fading quickly into this pride and joy that sit still in my heart. it no longer feels as though it's a big secret I carry in my pocket, but more like a highlighted poem written down in a journal.

this experience so special, and so much a part of who I am, but it's ok to let it separate from the surface of my days. it won't go anywhere.

this is largely what doing this series is about, for me, anyway. by bringing my experiences out to be written and read, it brings them out to a space where I recognize that I can let these memories peek out from my heart and soul, while disregarding the irrational fear that they'll sneak away forever.

until next time,
Carmen

holidaying

Greetings Friends,

Blogging has fallen low on my list of self-love objectives as of late. I hope you all understand. Life has been busy, but just the kind of busy we love. Christian is back on the soccer field for spring season and we're all having a blast watching his games. Nolan wrote his name the other day. It was a big deal.


School has been busy. My classes are fine, not exceptionally exciting, but enjoyable nonetheless. Math is troubling, but that is nothing new. I've made some new friends this semester, and they are a real hoot. I enjoy the time I spend with them and they make my school days loads more fun. Speaking of friends, my first couple of friends I met at college are graduating in a couple weeks! Oh it's thrilling and devastating at the same time. The latter is only applicable to me of course. I will miss them terribly, but I am so proud of them and even more excited to see what their futures hold.

This Easter weekend has been so lovely. Yosi took Friday off, so we've all had a long weekend. It's been so great to spend time at home (and OUTSIDE). The weather has been wonderful for the most part. This morning, my husband (who is usually more than content to drink his coffee in front of a soccer game on TV) suggested we go for a walk to the park. It was amazing. I'm sitting here in front of my Easter lily, which fills the room with the most wonderful spring scent.

Spring is upon us and I'm overjoyed about its arrival. I needed some sun and warm air. That sense of renewal and the promise of new life in the ground reminds me of the wonderful routine that time holds. It's so encouraging to find peace in the trust of time. Time will surely pass, holding healing and breaths of new energy. Luckily, this is just what this gal has needed lately.

Happy Holidaying to you and yours,
Carmen

I just want to do yoga and write books.

.... that was my response to a co-worker when she asked me what I wanted to do with my life.

I just want to do yoga and write books. I want to wake up with the sun and spend an hour making breakfast. I want to do make a career out of developing myself and my connection with myself. I want to write books about the human experience. Books that talk about meaning and living and dying.

I want to write letters to friends and family after breakfast, and then sit at an organic little cafe for lunch drinking coffee while I people watch. I want to spend afternoons with my boys, adventuring, dreaming, and playing pretend. I want to help them think about what they desire out of life and let them explore as many possibilities as their hearts desire. I want to wash laundry and do yoga in the sun as it dries on the line.

I want to create elaborate dinners and invite people I love over to share them with me. I want to have great dinner conversations that lingers on until the sun has dipped below the horizon. I want to drink really great wine and stay up really late talking and writing about things that move my soul. I want to wake up the next morning and do it all over again.

Anyone know of a place that is hiring for a position like this?