sometimes you're a surrogate. six months later.

Coming up next week will be Bunny's six month birthday. What?!

I can't even believe that it has been half a year already. Let me tell you, it's a strange feeling. There are days when I can't believe it's been six months already, but there are other days where it feels so far removed from my current day-to-day activities that it seems like it has been so much longer. 

I've thought about how I would write this half-year check up, and I've started it multiple times and then erased and restarted. Shockingly, I'm not often short on words, but writing about my surrogacy sometimes leaves me searching for just the right way to say things. There is so much to say, so much to talk about... it often feels too overwhelming to try to pinpoint the experience into words. It feels limiting to even try. But you all know that I'm always up for a good challenge. 

I've decided to to a series here on the blog, to chronicle the journey in retrospect. I did a fairly good job checking in about the pregnancy and delivery, but I thought I'd dig in a little bit and give a fuller picture about the depth of the journey. It only makes sense that I'll call the series Sometimes You're a Surrogate. So those entries will be coming soon, but for today I've got a broad rundown of the six month milestone. 

six months later I am feeling wonderful.

this applies to emotionally and physically.

my energy levels are better than ever and my post-partum complications are long resolved. 

emotionally I am wonderfully content.

my body is returning to its un-pregnant shape, more importantly though, I have an abundance of newly found appreciation for my body and its capabilities.

my relationship with Jack, Jill, and Bunny is so much more than I ever could have expected.
we text often, talk on the phone, and facetime here and there, and I so cherish all three.

life at home with the guys is great, and they love seeing pictures of Bunny and hearing Jack and Jill talk about their new baby.

lately I've had a few experiences when I get to talk about my surrogacy with people who didn't know about it, and it's just as fun as I thought it would be.

as it turns out, I'm enjoying not being pregnant more than I anticipated. don't get me wrong, it was fantastic while it lasted but it is so fun to have my body back to myself.

except I saw a teeeeny tiiiiiny baby at a restaurant when we were having dinner the other night and it kind of made my uterus ache.

but it wasn't anything so serious that a glass of wine couldn't cure it.

during my surrogate pregnancy I frequented an online surrogacy forum, afterwards I still kept up with it fairly often. as of lately though, I have noticed that I don't log on as often as I used to. while not a huge deal, it reminds me that the adventure now lies in the past and I'm continuing to move forward.

the beauty of the adventure permeates into my daily life still, and I think it always will. that being said, moving forward is the tune I'm marching to these days.

what do I mean by this? well, after an endeavor as life-changing as surrogacy, I was so deeply steeped into the journey that it flooded into my daily life, even when it really didn't anymore. that disconnect was odd and it felt funny in my life. as time has elapsed, that disconnect is fading quickly into this pride and joy that sit still in my heart. it no longer feels as though it's a big secret I carry in my pocket, but more like a highlighted poem written down in a journal.

this experience so special, and so much a part of who I am, but it's ok to let it separate from the surface of my days. it won't go anywhere.

this is largely what doing this series is about, for me, anyway. by bringing my experiences out to be written and read, it brings them out to a space where I recognize that I can let these memories peek out from my heart and soul, while disregarding the irrational fear that they'll sneak away forever.

until next time,
Carmen

holidaying

Greetings Friends,

Blogging has fallen low on my list of self-love objectives as of late. I hope you all understand. Life has been busy, but just the kind of busy we love. Christian is back on the soccer field for spring season and we're all having a blast watching his games. Nolan wrote his name the other day. It was a big deal.


School has been busy. My classes are fine, not exceptionally exciting, but enjoyable nonetheless. Math is troubling, but that is nothing new. I've made some new friends this semester, and they are a real hoot. I enjoy the time I spend with them and they make my school days loads more fun. Speaking of friends, my first couple of friends I met at college are graduating in a couple weeks! Oh it's thrilling and devastating at the same time. The latter is only applicable to me of course. I will miss them terribly, but I am so proud of them and even more excited to see what their futures hold.

This Easter weekend has been so lovely. Yosi took Friday off, so we've all had a long weekend. It's been so great to spend time at home (and OUTSIDE). The weather has been wonderful for the most part. This morning, my husband (who is usually more than content to drink his coffee in front of a soccer game on TV) suggested we go for a walk to the park. It was amazing. I'm sitting here in front of my Easter lily, which fills the room with the most wonderful spring scent.

Spring is upon us and I'm overjoyed about its arrival. I needed some sun and warm air. That sense of renewal and the promise of new life in the ground reminds me of the wonderful routine that time holds. It's so encouraging to find peace in the trust of time. Time will surely pass, holding healing and breaths of new energy. Luckily, this is just what this gal has needed lately.

Happy Holidaying to you and yours,
Carmen

I just want to do yoga and write books.

.... that was my response to a co-worker when she asked me what I wanted to do with my life.

I just want to do yoga and write books. I want to wake up with the sun and spend an hour making breakfast. I want to do make a career out of developing myself and my connection with myself. I want to write books about the human experience. Books that talk about meaning and living and dying.

I want to write letters to friends and family after breakfast, and then sit at an organic little cafe for lunch drinking coffee while I people watch. I want to spend afternoons with my boys, adventuring, dreaming, and playing pretend. I want to help them think about what they desire out of life and let them explore as many possibilities as their hearts desire. I want to wash laundry and do yoga in the sun as it dries on the line.

I want to create elaborate dinners and invite people I love over to share them with me. I want to have great dinner conversations that lingers on until the sun has dipped below the horizon. I want to drink really great wine and stay up really late talking and writing about things that move my soul. I want to wake up the next morning and do it all over again.

Anyone know of a place that is hiring for a position like this?

and the time.. it goes.

and just like that, the time keeps going.

It's such a strange paradox, to experience time as a mother.

The days are long, laborious, and repetitive. My mornings are filled with finding socks and packing lunches. I fill the same coffee cup, drive the same thirty miles, and sit in the same classes. Drive back the same way.. Evenings are filled with writing numbers and letters. Gathering up hats and gloves in order to ride bikes quickly before I must start dinner. Again.

bath, books, bed. wash, rinse, repeat.

When the alarm goes off at 6:24, and the house is dark and quiet, it seems like it will be an eternity before I'm able to lay my head back down to breathe in the warm air of sleep.  But before I know it, the house is dark and quiet again.

wash, rinse, repeat.

I looked at Christian today and he looked six years old. He's been six since October, but today, I looked at him and he looked six. It made my heart ache a little bit. I think about how quickly these years have gone by. I think about another six years passing and my heart ache sharpens from a dull grief to a sharp panic.

I'm not ready. I need to prepare for what will happen. I need to prepare for how to be a mother to bigger boys, boys who are are ten, eleven, twelve... I need it to slow down, so I can savor every bit of magic that lingers in the length of these days. I need to remember that days are long but years are short and it's vital not to get swallowed up by the monotony.

Whether I'm ready or not, the time will move.

We'll ride bikes a tad longer tomorrow, the bath isn't going anywhere.

Until next time,
Carmen

a little funny.

that is all.

you're welcome. 

be back soon.

Carmen

as of late.

life lately.

I love spring break SO MUCH.

Don't get me wrong, school is fun too, but sometimes this mama just needs some time to cuddle her babies and catch up on laundry and napping. Fair?

The weather is (dare I say it...) almost kind of springy.

We've been at the park down from our house five times in the the last three days. It's been amazing to get outdoors.

I found this little gem over on pinterest, and I love it. I don't necessarily believe in callings, not in the traditional way at least. But I do know when things excite my soul I am drawn to those things, and that's what this says to me.

My soul has felt heavy as of late. Not in a terrible or worrying way, just in a way that reminds me that this life is full of ups and of not ups. I don't call it down because that's not correct - not for me. I am beautifully blessed, and I live a life that leaves me so incredibly grateful at the end of each day that my heart feels like it just might overflow with love.

Anyhow, my heavy soul has called for some extra relaxing. Plentiful outside time. I've traded my T25 routine for lots of yoga, meditation, and prayer, simply because it feels better at the time being. We have been engaging in lots of games of Memory, Uno, and Sorry. I'm listening to good music and letting it be ok so just slow down and really take time for myself while I prioritize my time in a way that will refresh my spirit.

I'm deliberately taking time to love myself, embracing a spirit of gratitude and grace, and intentionally reflecting some of that energy back to myself.

Namaste friends,
Carmen

if you need this today, I wrote it for you.

I was planning to write a post tonight about life lately around here. It was not going to be interesting, but it was going to be witty (obviously) and to the point. After that I was going to drink tea and watch reruns of Grey's.

Before settling in to carry out my master plan, I was perusing instagram. By golly I love instagram. I was just toodling about when I ran accross something that really made my heart sad. It was a thinspo page. Read: It was a page full of  photos of stick thin girls, mantras about being thin (not fit, not healthy, thin) not wanting to eat a single morsel too much, and so on and so forth. I read the profile of the owner of said page and my heart got even sadder. This profile listed a starting weight, current weight, and goal weight. 111, 101, and 94 pounds respectively.

This user had over eleven thousand followers.

At the end of the day, I'll never know the person behind that account, but I wanted to write them a letter. Just in case, you know, they read my blog religiously.

Dearest friend,

I don't know if anyone has told you lately, but you are quite lovely. Your smile lights up the room, and your laughter is contagious. One of my favorite things about you is how your eyes twinkle when you speak about something that ignites your soul, how your passion rises up into your voice and infects all of those who are listening.

Your witty charm has always impressed me and your movie trivia is impossible to beat. When you're sad, I find it endearing that you always find the same ratty sweater and watch Message in a Bottle, despite the fact that you could recite that film start to finish. You make the absolute best margarita this side of the Rio Grande. I admire your grit, and determination, and hard-working disposition.

Friend, these are the things that make you beautiful. I know it's cliche, but beauty truly does originate on the inside. It forms in the depths of you soul and radiates through you. It's this beauty that draws people to you and builds a life of depth and meaning. You are a marvelous character, and the beauty that you have is irrelevant to the number that you read on the scale each morning, noon, and night.

You are beautiful. Right now today. And tomorrow, and yesterday, and even during that super awkward stage in eighth grade. It is who you are, down to the very core of your being.

I hope you are well, friend. I hope that you don't let anyone or anything, even the scale, tell you what your worth. Because honestly, you are priceless. If you need help, please call 1-800-931-2237 to get things back on track. You are worth it. 

With warm hugs

Sincerely,
Carmen

this sounds like a psa I know, but honestly, if you or someone you know struggles with an eating disorder call the number above to reach the national eating disorders association hotline. they are also online (because who isn't?) at http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org