can you spare a prayer?

If ever you were a person who prays, please say a prayer for this family. They need loving and comforting thoughts coming their way while they walk this terribly tough path.

too much of an overdue update.

Sometimes when you're a surrogate you forget that even though some days it seems like it, not everyone you know wants to know about the status of you menstrual cycle.

This includes (but is not limited to) :

 

your study group

the people at the noonday prayer service on campus

your father in law

the checkout lady at the vitamin store

probably the folks creeping on your blog...

 

(for any future surros out there: the point is that when you do a surrogacy there are a lot of people that need to know a lot of things about your period. but the kinds of people I mention above... they usually don't.)

 

 

So I haven't talked about here it in a while but Jack, Jill, and I will be giving the IFV another go in February. Initially we hoped for January, but because my body is lagging we're looking at a February transfer.

 

I almost feel bad even typing this, but I am anyway because I think that the other surros visiting can relate. I had an incredibly tough time with the failed cycle. I know they weren't my embryos. It wasn't going to be my baby. And it wasn't really even my loss to mourn. But you know what, I did anyway. Take a glass and fill it will excitement, eagerness, a healthy portion of hopes and dreams, two scoops of effort and time, and add a generous helping of legwork and commitment. That is what Jack, Jill, and I were drinking together for about six months. I'd had the surrogacy bug for a couple of years and I feel confidant saying that Jack and Jill have had the whole "I want us to be parents" thing going on for much longer than that.

 

And it didn't work.

 

I know I know I know - nothing is guaranteed, and nobody is to blame. I completely understand this. But the ONLY job my uterus had was to hang on tight to one (or both) of those teeny embryos. And it didn't. And that is hard. It is hard that these people who I have come to know and love had to feel another sting on their journey to parenthood.

 

I know that their hearts have been hurting too, but lucky for me, they also understand that sometimes things happen and sometimes they don't. None of this sadness has come from them - it's just a natural part of what this is when the cookie crumbles this way.

 

Anyway, we wanted January but we're looking at February now and I for one am feeling really optimistic (surprising? no.). I think this will be our time, and we're doing a bunch of extra stuff to up our odds. But that is another post for another day. I just wanted to give an update because some of you have been asking.

 

Things are still moving forward, and the future is looking very bright for us :)

 

Until next time,

Carmen

 

 

 

 

almost back.

It's that time of year friends! I can't believe it is already December, and contrary to popular belief I have not fallen off the face of the Earth. It is almost the end of the semester and after that I'll be back - probably more than you would even like! In the meantime I wish you all a jolly start to your holiday season.

Also, a huge shout out to my dear husband who has been picking up an enormous amount of slack as I trudge through these demanding few weeks. Love you!

Until next time,
Carmen



math.

 

The photo above describes my relationship with math. I don't know why, but I have never been a part of the lucky majority of science nerds who speak math. The universe has a terrible way of reminding me about this every semester.

 

I start with this because it explains my prolonged absence from the blog this past week. With finals around the corner I have been swamped with schoolwork (including math).



 

But I have been working at a Thanksgiving post that I'll be posting soon.

 

And our little family is relocating! Those details will follow also.

 

But before any of those fun things can happen, I must first finish my homework.

 

Be back soon,
Carmen

 

a question or five.

 

I have been thinking lately. 

 

I have a fantastic professor (fantastic is a ginormous understatement) who talks about these things he calls the 'questions of meaning'. There are five of them and they are as follows:

 

Where did I come from?

Where do I belong here?
What is my purpose?

Why is there suffering?

What happens after I'm gone?

 

He proposes that they are those basic universal things that all folks wonder at some point.

 

I'd believe it. I think these are the biggies. Those big mysterious questions that are really freaking scary.. they have some weight to them. It's not really dinner conversation (I would say that this is very debatable), and it's not something you have to fill out on an insurance application. You won't find these on an any exam for my biology degree. These aren't questions you would ask on a first date, or at job interview.

 

These are the questions that you think about at night. These are the ones you think about in your head. The ones that usually come up during times of sadness or tragedy - but they are always there. 

 

I've been thinking about these lately. They have settled in my bank of curiosity. There are no definite answers to these particular questions and that intrigues me too. I mean, us humans, we know a lot of stuff about a lot of stuff. Yet, I'm willing to guess that not too many people would answer all of these questions the exact same way.

 

That's beside the point really.

 

As a whole we may know a lot of things about a lot of things, but I think that lots of people shove these questions to the back of their heads. I think this is because 1)the questions are too big for right now, 2)they really don't feel like knowing the answers are possible, or 3)they are ok with having these sit way in the back.

 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with any of that. It's just not meant for me. I am meant to learn more. Meant to spend some of this precious time I have taking these questions to heart and finding my own truth.

 

I think my professor is absolutely correct, these questions are the ones that mean something.. I am meant for that. 

 

 

Until next time,
Carmen

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



weird.

I've noticed that somewhere along my way I have gotten weird.

This is not a bad thing. It's just something that happens sometimes.

I use the word 'weird' endearingly here so if you do these things please don't be offended, instead be my friend because I need folks like you.

I drink green juice and love every last drop. When talking about it to people I find myself saying things like "It's life in juice form" and, "It's as though you are drinking in living energy".

I eat less and less animal products everyday and aspire to be completely vegan soon. Sometimes I catch myself being preach-y about this even! That is not 'weird', it is simply annoying and I'm working on it.

I read things like Gandhi's Autobiography, and The Encyclopedia of Religions. For fun.

I am incredibly enthusiastic about doing a week long pilgrimage in France in another couple of years. (sound cool? learn more here)

I still love science but I'm starting to realize that I can have more than one passion in life. It just so happens that the things I am passionate about are polar opposites (think cellular functions and Jesus).

They say that college can change you. Expand your mind and stuff. I'd agree, but I'd also say that there is more to the story than college. I know plenty of folks who have come out on the other side without a single glass of green juice. I think all this weird stuff has always been there. Just waiting. I've gotten rather courageous as of late, and it takes guts to be different. To want to do different stuff, and know different things.

I feel as though I've always been this girl. It's just that now it's ok to be her. To embrace to weirdness and go with it. And the best part is, I am who I've always been. It's just that now I added on.

Until next time,
Carmen



anniversary.

 

Gosh I've missed the blog this past little while. I've been busy recuperating from the negative cycle, having birthday celebrations, and trick-or-treating with my little pumpkins. School is busy, and now that I'm not pregnant I've been working here and there too. Life is going on all over the place, and luckily even though we've suffered some disappointment here recently, life is still pretty good.

So good in fact, that I got to spend Friday evening with my love celebrating our fourth wedding anniversary. It was perfect in our own little way. Not everyone would want to spend their anniversary at the synagogue. That's right. Me and (the very catholic) Yos ventured off for the evening and attended a service at the synagogue for a class that I'm taking. I thought it was wonderfully interesting, and Yosi was such a trooper. It's not exactly an ideal anniversary date, but we made the best of it and had a lovely dinner afterwards before driving back home.

I can't believe that it's been four years! It feels like we've been together forever, but then again it feels like it was just yesterday when we said our vows. These past four years have been such a learning experience. I feel like those first couple years I was just getting the hang of the whole marriage thing. Now I feel like I've grasped the concept and can really get good at this. Being a wife is such a blessing. There is no better word for it. I consider myself extra blessed because Yosi is such an extraordinary man.

this part is all warm and fuzzy. skip it if you're not into that kind of thing.

I'm not kidding friends he is one of the best people I know, and he inspires me to be better too. He is a noble man with an honest soul. He has a kind heart and those strong manly hands that are so attractive. If I said that he was a great dad it would be the understatement of the year. He makes being a phenomenal husband look easy. He loves me. Like really loves me, and he tells me, all the time. It's the kind of love that I feel in my heart even when we're far apart. He's a special kind of man, and I am so blessed to be able to call him my husband.

Happy Anniversary to the best guy around.The first four years have been the best/hardest/happiest/busiest/funniest years I could have asked for. I can't wait to spend the rest of ever being the best wife I can be. Maybe next year we can hit up the Hindu temple..?

Until next time,
Carmen